Test

Testo

Dec. 21

Dear X,

Remember the first time we got together and went on a date? I asked you to be mine even just for a day. You agreed. You said you love me. And I know I do, too. But our love just couldn't be. Under normal circumstances, we just couldn't be together. We were both aware of that. We still are.

So we planned for a one day trip. We went somewhere we would be able to express our raging emotions, where people couldn't judge the love that we have.

And in that moment, we were free. We walked hand in hand, making the most out of that day. We shared laughters, had endless conversations, and I could see you were really happy. Remember that place called "the secret garden?" A lot of people go there but you speak of it as if it was ours. That day was perfect. Everything seemed to go our way. It felt like it really was the perfect time to realize that what we had wasn't just for a day but for the longest time.

But a day has to end as much as we didn't want it to. And we have to let go. Let go of the dreams we had just woven, let go of the things that encompasses our love, let go of each other's hand. And in that time, you made me realize that when you love a person, a day could be forever. Even a moment.

That was a year ago. A year from now, we would have parted ways. But we didn't. You didn't allow us to. And I wouldn't have wanted either. It did seem like it was the wrong decision though. But being with you right now had proved me wrong. It was actually the best decision.

And I am glad. Glad to have met you. Glad to have been on the same place at the same time. Glad to have fallen in love and is still falling in love with you every single moment of my life. My time may not sync with yours, but you have made sure that every time spent together is always the best time ever.

I know that we haven't been well lately. Our relationship is crumbling, but hearing you say you've wanted to save what we have made me feel like we could weather all the storm that may come between us. And I love you more for that.

Yes. I love you. And I will prove to you that no matter what happens, in this lifetime, and even in the next, I will always choose you.

Thank you for always being there for me. You've taught me a lot of things. You've helped me through my struggles, but most of all, you have made me believe in a love they call unconditional.


Love always,
Y

Rei

She's a bitch.

Bye

If I would be gone
Maybe
Just maybe
People would appreciate more my existence.


Or maybe not.

All-time Low

My father thinks so lowly of me.

Swans

You tell me that you love me but you never wanna see me again.

100

Always.

8:02

I feel so empty.
I need a long, tight hug. (._.)

I'm better off dead.

I feel so empty.

Pakiramdam ko kelangan kong paulit-ulit na humingi ng tawad sa pagiging ako.
Kelangan kong ihingi ng tawad ang buong pagkatao ko.
Kelangan kong ihingi ng tawad ang pananatili sa mundong ito.

Mas mabuti pa nga siguro kung wala nalan ako.
Pakiramdam ko naman, hindi yun kahit kelan magiging kawalan sa kahit sino.
Kahit pa sa'yo.

6:33

I feel so messed up.

123

Test.

Posted via Blogaway

Alas diyes ng gabi.

Yung mga taong mas gustong isuka ka kesa manatili pa rin sa tabi mo pag hindi ka na jila kayang buhatin o iangat.

Hindi naman kailangang mang iwan at bumalik lang pag okay na.

Hindi ba pwedeng kahit konting alalay lang? Yung kahit ako na lang ang magsasalba sa sarili ko basta alam kong andiyan ka pa rin. Handang umalalay pag kakailanganin ko nan tulong.

Pero hindi...
Kailangan ako lang.
Kailangan mang iwan.
Saka na lang babalik.
Pag okay na. Pag napagtagpi-tagpi na ulit ang mga nagkapirasong sarili.

Ganun na ba ako kahirap samahan para mabigatan ka kahit sa konting alalay lang?

Draft

[Trigger Warning]
[Rated SPG]

Ang hirap ipaintindi sa tao kung ano ka. Na hindi ka katulad nilang normal na kapag nasaktan, konting sorry lang, okay na agad. I know a lot of people think everything's just too easy. You get hurt, you get lonely, you fail, and then the next day, tapos na. Balik na sa dati. Masaya na ulit. But it was never like that for others. For people like me. And it's really hard to explain things that only a few can relate to. Pero gusto kong gawin to. Dahil gusto kong maintindihan ng lahat na hindi lahat ng tao kagaya niyo. That there are those who crumble easily. It's all up to you to broaden your understanding on things that are beyond your expectations.

1. I am not normal. It's a bit [shameful] to admit but I am NOT emotionally and mentally healthy.

2. I get depressed easily. I get depressed if the weather's gloomy, i get depressed if my parents fight, i get depressed if people look down on my capabilities, i get depressed by the little thibgs, i get depressed without any particular reason at all. I get depressed all the time.

3. I get anxieties, too. I don't just hop on the bus on my way to work. I have to make sure the bus is comfortable enough in order for me to not get anxious. I just don't go sa mga lugar na madaming tao or sobrang sikip o sobrang luwang. I have to prepare myself every time I do something that I think would make me feel anxious.

4. Whenever I feel anxious, i get so distressed. Nasusuka ako, naiihi, natatae, pakiramdam ko mauubusan ako ng hininga. And then panic comes after. I'd panic na baka masuka nga ako, maihi, matae, mawalan ng hininga. And once i get all panicky, it's hard to calm down.

5. My temper's always over the top. Maiksi lan din ang aking pasensya. When I am angry, I am definitely angry in every sense of the word. I could crush anything that's within reach. I could spit every explicit word there is in a dictionary. I could punch you, kick you, throw everything at you. I could eat you alive. Sometimes, the monster inside me scares me. I still havent figured out how to tame it.

6. I get suicidal thoughts every time. As in madalas. Sometimes, I think of acting on it. I'd very carefully plan it on my mind hanggang sa makumbinsi ko yung sarili ko na it's really the best thing to do. Minsan I do things on purpose, like wearing my earphones and put the volumes on full blast while walking along the street hoping I'd get hit by a bus or a truck or anything that would do the job. I do things that I think may endanger me. Minsan when I am too angry, I cut a lot. Hoping that my anger wiuld help me cut too deep. I have also thought of buying pills so I could overdose on 'em. But then, in the end, I'd still dont wanna do it. I'd still seek help. And conversations are the best therapy, in my opinion. So if I talk to you, please don't think I'm annoying. And if you do, dont let me know. I just need help.

7. Hindi madali para sa akin ang magtiwala. For me, it takes years and effort and you proving me na pagkatiwalaan kita. If I trust you, that doesn't mean I trust you fully. And every time you do things kahit ganu pa yan kaliit at kababaw na pwedeng makasakit saken, yung tiwala ko sayo nababawasan agad. And it would take me a lifetime again para paniwalaan ka ulit. Bakit?

8. Dahil madali lang akong masaktan. Pag nasaktan ako, maliit man o malaking bagay, parehas lang ang impact niyan saken. Parehong sobrang sakit. Konting bagay lang, I already feel too broken. That it would take time before I can heal. Kaya hindi uubra sa akin ang sorry lang. That I'd feel okay the next day. It might take days bago mawala un sakit. Some would take weeks. Yung iba, kahit umabot nan ilang taon na, hindi pa rin nawawala. Yung akala mo hindi na masakit, sa ibabaw lang pala naghilom yung sugat.

9. And when all those things happen, I harm myself. I cut my arms, my thighs, stomach area, etc. I'd pinch myself hard hanggang sa magkapasa pag nataon na hindi ako makapagsugat dahil lang nasa matao akong lugar o walang dalang blade. I feel relieved whenever I self-harm. Yung masakit, nagiging magaan. Yung lungkot, nababawasan ng konti. Yung panic at anxieties, nawawala. Nagkakaroon ako ng kontrol sa sarili kong pakiramdam. Nagkakaroon ako ng dahilan para yung emotional pain, maging physical nalan.

10. Kaya naman, every time, I'd ask for every one to handle me with care. And if you can't, just please UNDERSTAND. that I am not like you. That a simple bad could mean the worst for me. That a simple good could be something the best. Understand that if I dont feel ok today, dont expect me to be ok tomorrow or the next day. Let me pick my pieces up and put them back together. If you wanna help me, then please do so. Id appreciate it. But if you can't, just don't reject me. Any form of rejections are scary. I'd rather you say you'd wait until I get back on my feet rather than reject me.

11. But despite all these, madali lan din akong mapasaya. I get excited over things like books, movies, anime, music, etc. Yung mga mumunting gesture lan like smiles, and hellos, and the likes is enough to make me happy. ☺

**Hindi pa ito yung buong ako. Marami pa akong gustong ipaintindi pero hindi ko na masabi. Pero If you've read everything, thank you. And I hope kahit paano, may naipamulat ako sayo.
***Be kind with your words, be kind with your actions. There are people out there who you may be talkin to today then gone the next. And you may be held responsible for it. Sana kahit konti lan, may naintindihan kayo tungkol sa mga kagaya ko.

And if you are like me, or [malapit nan maging gaya ko. Lol], it's okay to ask for help pag hindi na kaya. DO NOT RESORT TO SELF-INFLICTED HARM. Walang maidudulot na maganda yun. It will only give a temporary relief, but nothing more. Just talk to someone. Talk to anyone. If there is no one, then listen to music. Write. Draw. Watch movies. There are a lot of things that can distract you from your emotional pain. TALK TO ME.
I still believe life is beautiful. There are so many things to look forward to. Beautiful things. Don't give up.

Silent Sanctuary

It was indeed a night to remember.

As you go through life, years and years of it, you'll make a lot of memories. But only a few would stand out. Only a few would always stick with you. Those you will always cherish no matter how faded the picture, no matter how indistinct the sound. But the feeling of that certain memory, it will always be new to you. It will always feel like the first time.

The way you held my hand, the way you looked at me as you sing the lyrics to the songs like you meant every line, every step we walked that night, and all those silly conversations we had that never seemed to waste the hours spent... all those things I will never forget.

That night, I'd want it to happen again.

Na naman.

Lagi ko nalan nasisira ang mood.
Wala na akong ginawang tama.
Hindi man lan kita mapasaya nan buo.

Yes.

9:02

And eventually, the conversations stopped. The silence in between no longer felt comfortable but rather awkward.

Brick

Not sure if I made the right decision.
But it sure is for the best.
Para sa akin at mas lalong para sa kanya.
















My heart is freakin breaking.

12:11 am

We all need someone to kiss us goodbye.

It's over

I feel heartless.
I AM HEARTLESS.
I'm sorry.

11

How do you trust his feelings if they can just disappear like that?

Weddings

Breaking down in tears in the middle of a wedding reception is the worst thing ever!

9:43

God I feel so depressed.
Gusto kong umiyak.
Gusto kong sumabog.

9:48

Yung nakulungkot ka pero ikaw lang ang nakakaalam.
Pero paano nga ba naman malalaman ng iba kung hindi mo naman sasabihin.
Pero sabi nila, kahit gaano ka pa raw ngumiti o tumawa, mahahalata ng mga taong malalapit sa'yo yung tunay mong nararamdaman..

Wala bang taong malapit sakin?
Lol.

L.

NALULUNGKOT AKO.
At mas nakakalungkot isipin na wala man lang makapuna sa nararamdaman ko.
Kailangan bang lahat idaan sa salita?
Hindi ba pwedeng ngumiti at tingnan mo nalang ako sa mata?

Handle with Care

We may not know it, but all of us are caged.
Our feelings mostly.

Everyone's scared of breaking, so we cage ourselves, protecting our whole being from others who would try to steal us from ourselves, making us their own for a while only to leave us hanging, used, and damaged.

Those who were once broken cage themselves in wrought irons still hoping that someone would tear that iron and steal them away with good intentions.

And then there are those... those who are caged in beautiful crystals.
Too fragile, too beautiful to be broken....

9:00

Sa mga mumunting sandaling hindi tayo nagkakausap
Naaalala mo pa rin ba kaya ako?

Your Call

Waiting for your call...
I'm sick
I'm angry
I'm desperate for your voice.

Borderline

It's exhausting. Fighting a war you know you can never win.

Naisip ko lang.

People say you do not know what you've got until it's gone.

Minsan, gusto mong iwanan yung mga taong mahal mo.
yung mga taong nagsasabing mahal ka
yung mga taong nag iisip na hindi mo kaya pag nawala sila
na kahit anong pag iwan mo, babalikan mo pa rin sila
Minsan gusto mo silang iwan
Dahil gusto mong malaman kung anong mararamdaman nila pag wala ka na
Malulungkot ba sila?
Mababaliw sa kaiisip kung kumusta ka na o kung ano na ang nangyayari sa'yo?
Iiyak?
Magmamakaawang bumalik ka?
Magiging hungkag ang pakiramdam nila?

Dahil hangga't iniisip nila, na hindi mo kayang mawala sila, mas lalo silang nagiging mayabang
Mas lalong lumalaki ang bilib nila sa sarili
Mas lalo silang mag iisip na 'sige lang, iwan mo ako. Babalik at babalik ka rin naman sa akin. Hindi mo rin lang kakayanin.'

Mas lalo kang ite-take for granted.
Yung mga ginagawa mong efforts para sa kanila, yung mga paglalambing, ndi masusuklian ng tama.
Hanggang sa dumating sa point na ikaw nalang yung nagbibigay ng atensyon, ikaw nalang yung nag aalaga, ikaw nalang yung nagpapatakbo ng relasyon.

Dahil nagiging kampante sila.
Kampante na kahit anong mangyari, andyan ka lang para mahalin sila, alagaan, magbigay ng atensyon.
Hindi mang iiwan.

Paano kasi? Mahal mo ehh.
Hindi mo kasi kaya.
Na kahit umalis ka pa, babalik at babalik ka rin lan pala.

You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.
Paano kaya kung...

















































































bigla akong mawala at iwan ka?
Maiisip mo rin kaya ang ibig sabihin nang nga katagang iyon?

12:54

It feels like I'm only being taken for granted.

Paper hearts

You said to me there's nothing here for me to hold on to
So darling let me be the one to hold on to you.

Ish

Wag mo akong alalahanin.
Kung kinakailangang iwan ako, gawin mo.
Kakayanin ko.
Gagawin ko ang lahat para makayanan ko ang pagkawala mo sa buhay ko.
Basta maging tapat ka lan sa akin.
Sabihin mo kung ano talaga ang nararamdaman mo.
Kung ayaw mo na
Kung may iba ka nan gusto
Kung pagod at sawa ka na.

Dahil mas nasasaktan ako
Kung hindi ka na masaya,
Kung magpapatuloy ito at pilitin kang manatili sa tabi ko

Afsgdhkflf'dlbxbxkffjfkdld.

Fuck you!

I HATE EVERYONE!
I HATE MYSELF!
FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!

9:34

I just want to cry the whole day. Just fucking cry my eyes out.

Dissociation

:/

I'm not good enough for anyone.

Ineng

Hindi ko alintana ang malalaking patak ng ulan
Wala akong pakialam sa lakas ng hampas ng hangin
Kahit pa siguro bumaha nan pagkataas-taas
O kumulog nang malakas at gumuhit ang kidlat

Dahil ang makita ka palang, dinaig mo na ang malalaking patak ng ulan
Lakas ng hampas ng hangin
Matataas na baha
Malalakas na kulog at maliliwanag na guhit ng kidlat


Daig pa ng kasalukuyang super typhoon ang hatid mo sa akin.

Chained

Yung tinutulak mo siya palayo sa mga panahong nahihirapan ka kasi akala mo, ipipilit niya ang sarili niyang manatili sa tabi mo.
Na hindi ka niya papayagang mawala kahit ilan oras o segundo man lang.


Pero...



Hahayaan ka lan pala.
Mali ka na naman ng akala.
Wala palang kayang pumigil sa'yo sa mga oras na akala mo gusto mong kumawala.

Is anybody out there?

Pahingi naman ng karamay.
Medyo masakit lan.
At malungkot.







Pero mukhang wala.

I suck at this 'relationship' thingy.

It's when I feel doubtful and so unsure of myself that I get mad and jealous of everything, even the littlest things.
It's when I am in that state that I ask for your understanding and patience.
It's when I am feeling angry that I ask you not to get angry at me, too.
I know I am not being fair and I am asking too much..

But I NEED someone who would still say sweet words even when I am getting mad at him. Someone who would still send me messages  even if I tell him not to. Someone who would call me even if I reject him a hundred times.

Someone who will lift me up and not push me further down.

11:50

They get tired of me.

Post Title

Fun fact: people get bored with me. All the time.

Isyu.

Mahal pa rin naman kita. Pero saka na ulit. Pag okay na.

There are a lot of things I need to say sorry about.

I'm sorry if I always tease you about your personal issues.
But I'm not sorry for pointing it out. I guess I just want you to get used to it so it will hurt less the next time.

I'm sorry for joking about having an 'affair' with your friend. I'm sorry I didn't realise it hurt you. I'm sorry for being oblivious about how you felt about it.
But it's not entirely my fault, is it? You just made a big deal out of it. I thought we were cool. And then you just stopped talking which I hated the most. And I'm not sorry for being hurt about how you held your silence. If the things I said hurt you, then your silence hurt me, too.

I'm sorry for saying I'd get naked if Shawn from Alesana (i'm not sure if it's shawn) screamed at me. It was also meant as a joke. I was just thinking how you hurt me when you snapped at me. And I don't like it. And well, Shawn is a part of a screamo band, so I thought their shoutin is cool rather than hurtful.

I'm sorry for everything I have said up til now.
Like I said, I thought everythin is cool.
I am sarcastic. I joke about everything. I joke randomly, meaning sometimes, the things I say just comes up in random, without ever having to think about it. I guess, you could say that I'm tactful.

But that doesn't mean every joke should mean something. Especially the ones that hurt you. Because WHY WOULD I EVEN WANT TO HURT YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE?

You always say I don't trust you.
I could say the same about you. You don't trust me as well that you even take those jokes seriously.

I'm sorry for those things I said in the past. And everything that I will say in the future. I'm sorry for talking.

I love you. But I'm hurting right now, too.
You just kinda told me in a 'subtle' way how horrible I am.

Sorry. Me and my big mouth, huh.

9:38

Being sick and still go to work isn't actually me at all.
Have I changed?

Panata

No more counting of days clean.
Because,

there'd forever be none.

XXX

I wonder why I am still alive.

R

I need to start not giving a fuck about everything people say.


Especially those people who are close to me.

Random

Asssfgjlf''gkska'xxbddiwjdhislcbhdiwydyoxlbfdjddhdksjshdhxyudnfhdjnfidjeguwhhfbfkclgsbkskfjbfkdkfjfkdiidifkfjfjfkffjfjdjwuwiqqowwlelzjvxvxjfjeebfuwoguslhdhdlwlhfbcjeurrjcyiriguyh!!!!!!!!!


Can't express myself.

2:21

I could say I was blessed. I have my music, my passion for writing, and drawing. I'm blessed for having good people whom I could talk to, and even if I don't talk, they notice. They always notice when I am being distant and not with myself. They always notice when I am depressed and there are a few who catch me even before I hit rock bottom.

I self harm. And I consider this being blessed as well. Even if I constantly wanna mutilate (forgive the word) myself, it still helps me get back to reality. The reality of not wanting to die. The reality of wanting to survive no matter how painful life is.

I'm blessed for being strong. For not letting all the suicidal thoughts get the best of me. I was envious of all the people who had successfully committed suicide for the courage they have into leaving everything behind. But that shouldn't be the case. I should be thankful I am still here, alive. Depressed, anxious, thinking life is always gonna be hard, but alive. I should be blessed I have this life and nothing more. Not anyone gets a chance to live and experience every hardships and failure and still stand.

Everything will suck but at the end of the day, there will still be that helping hand waiting for you at home, there will still be that tap on the back saying you did well at work, there will still be that friendly hugs, moonlight kisses and cuddles under warm sheets. There will still be that love and hope surrounding us making sure we don't bail out of life.

xx

...

TO DO LIST:

Play with fairies.
Grow angel wings.
Braid the hair of a mermaid.
Fly to the moon.
Ride a unicorn.

I FUCKING miss YOU.

Paano mo kakalimutan ang isang taong ni minsan ndi naman nawala sa isip mo?














































Namimiss na kita ng sobra.

Pissed

Pag ako tuluyang nawala at umiyak kayo, PAGTATAWANAN KO KAYONG LAHAT MULA SA IMPYERNO!

Malakas an loob niyo kasi alam niyong hindi ko kayang gawin.
Na hanggat kaya ko, hindi ako mang iiwan.
Pero lahat ng bagay may hangganan.

Malay niyo, dumating bigla ang araw na iyon para sa'kin.
Kaya bago ako mawala:

PUTANG INA NIYONG LAHAT!
MGA SHIT KAYO!
FUCK YOU!

9:54

"Nagsusugat ka pa ba?"

Nakakabiglang tanong.
I was caught off guard.
Halos makalimutan ko na na nasabi ko rin pala sa'yo ang bagay na un.
Halos makalimutan ko na na minsan at patuloy pa rin pala kitang nagiging sandalan tuwing may problema o malungkot ako.
Halos makalimutan ko na na minsan mo akong inalalayan sa naturang adiksyon kong ito..
Halos makalimutan ko na na kahit kailan hindi ako nakarinig nan kahit isang sermon mula sa'yo tungkol sa pagsusugat ko.
Na wala kang ibang ginawa kundi sabihing huwag ko lang lalaliman ang pagsusugat para hindi ako mapahamak.

Hindi mo man sabihin alam kong mas nasasaktan ka tuwing nasasaktan ako
Mas nalulungkot ka tuwing nalulungkot ako
Kung ano man ang nararamdaman ko, doble ang epekto sa'yo.

Kaya patawad.
Patawad sa minsang pagkalimot.

Li.

My story isn't over yet ;
I am the author ;
And I am writing my life ;


And I choose to include you.

3:23

I WISH I AM KISSING YOU INSTEAD OF MISSING YOU !
Photo Credits: I.D.P.

Today,

My self-esteem is down. Like, nada.

Sakal?

Kasal.
Para sa akin, SAKAL.
Araw kung kailan ikaw ay mamamaalam na sa iyong pagiging malaya.
Yung tipong dati kakain ka ng mag isa, mamamasyal ng mag-isa, natutulog mag isa.
Pero pag ikinasal ka, may makakasama ka na sa mga bagay na dati mong ginagawa ng mag isa.
Wala nang privacy kumbaga.
May tali nang nagbubuklod sa inyo.
May tali na sa leeg mo.

Pero ganun pa man, mukha namang masayang may makatuwang sa buhay.
May sasalo sa iyo sa pagkain, may yayakap sa iyong pagtulog, may pupunas ng iyong luha, may makakausap, may makakapiling sa bawat saya.

At higit sa lahat, may aalalay na sa iyong bawat paghakbang sa ano mang lakad ng buhay.

Let's talk.

It seemed like the talks are gettin less and less. I don't want us to stop talkin. Because that would mean it'd be the end for us. It'd be the end of us.

And I don't want that to happen.

Capture this.

I want to take a photo of us.

I want to take a photo of us laughing, talking, kissing, hugging or holding hands.

I want to capture that moment when you play with my hair, or when I tease you about how cute your chin is.

I want tangible memories of us walking in the sand while the sun sets.

I want to collect those little moments and compile it in an album. So there'd be somethin to let us remember when we try to forget.

But I can only take a blurry photo of you. And you can only take a photo of me when you thought I wasn't looking. 

And I wonder when will these photos be put as one? When will we be free to take photos without the need to consider other people? When will we take pictures of us together ?

Fuck

Everything is fucked up. Including myself.

Must be the weather. And the colds.

No.
I can't make myself feel okay.
I can't pretend i'm doin fine.
I can't pretend i'm not lonely when every second i just wanna lock myself in my room and cry.
I used to love this feeling.
I can't cope with it anymore and it's makin me more depressed and anxious.
I don't want this kind of vulnerability.
I don't want this kind of weakness.
I hate it.

-------
Zero.

06.21.15

"Kung dumating man ang araw na hawak ko na ang mundo, bibitawan ko ito para sa kamay mo."





*such sweet words❤ salamat boss. I couldn't have been more blessed to have you.

Ikaw

Sana'y mararinig mo ang bawat tibok ng puso ko
Nang malaman mo na ikaw ang isinisigaw nito
Sana'y maramdaman mo ang pagmamahal ko
Pag-ibig na para sa'yo

Ikaw

Ang gusto ko'y lagi kang natatanaw.

Ikaw

Pinapasaya mo ako sa araw-araw.

Ikaw

Mahal Kita.
Ikaw na nagbabasa nito.

Bitch please!

I. FUCKING. HATE. EVELYN. L!
I hope the bitch would learn how to shut her fucking mouth!

Less worth

I feel worthless.

Ipamukha ba naman sa'yo na hindi ka degree holder. Na 2 years lang ang natapos ko. Na wala akong kahit anong karapatang magturo.
Totoo naman iyon. Kung legalities ang pag uusapan, wala nga naman talaga akong kahit konting karapatan man lang para magturo. Pero hindi naman ibig sabihin nun ehh wala na akong karapatang ibahagi ang mga nalalaman ko...

Hindi naman ako ganun kabobo siguro, pero ganun ang lumalabas.
Na hindi ako dapat nagtuturo dahil wala akong alam.
Dahil hindi ako gumradweyt nan tamang kurso,
na kulang ang kwalipikasyon ko,
na hindi ako 'degree holder,'
na bobo ako.

Nakakababa ng tingin sa sarili iyong mga pinagsasabi niya.
Ung mga tingin niya.
Ung pagpapangalandakan niya sa iba na parang napakawala kong kwenta.

Siguro un nga talaga ako.
Walang kwenta.
Worthless.
Less worth.

Shit.

Stop me.

I feel like mutilating myself.
I must be gettin really mad.

1:12

Pati pagsusulat hindi ko na magawa.
May nararamdaman naman ako.
Nasasaktan naman ako.
Pero walang lumalabas sa utak ko.

Lahat na ng nasa isip ko gusto kong hulihin, gusto kong hawakan, gusto kong itipa, pero wala pa rin. Gusto kong mabawasan man lang tong pangit na pakiramdam na 'to. Gusto kong kahit papaano gumaan man lamang kahit konti. Pero, parang mas lalo pang bumibigat.
Gusto kong umiyak. kaso naubos na yata lahat ng luha ko (OA much). Gusto kong umatungal. Gusto kong maglupasay at umiyak na parang bata. Pero grabe, antanda-tanda ko na ehh. lol.

Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang totoo. Kung ano ang paniniwalaan ko. O kung maniniwala pa ba ako? Mahal pa rin kita. Mahal na mahal. At masaya pa rin ako sa presensiya mo. Kaya lang minsan, hindi ko maiwasang isipin kung totoo ba ung mga pinapakita mo. Kung totoo ba talaga yung mga sinasabi mo. Panu kung pagtalikod ko, iba naman pala talaga ang hinahanap-hanap mo. Panu kung pagbaba ng telepono, iba naman ang tatawagan mo, ang kakausapin mo. Paano kung hindi lang talaga ako sapat para sa'yo.

Pasensya ka na kung ganito ako mag-isip. Ang hirap lang magtiwala ulit. Yung tipong, ang dami nang nangyari para magtiwala pa. Yung ginagwardiyahan mo ung damdamin mo para hindi ka gaanong madala sa mga salita, kaya lang nagawa mong sipain ung gwardiya.
Nagawa mong buwagin ung pader na ang tagal kong ni-upgrade.
Nagawa mong pasukin ang kasuluk-sulukan ng damdamin ko,
pati na rin ang isipan ko.
Nagawa mo akong pagtiwalain sa'yo.
Tapos bigla kang lalabas at mag-iiwan ng lumot. Lumot ng pagdududa na unti-unting kumakalat sa sistema ko.

Sa totoo lang wala naman talaga akong karapatang magreklamo. Kung tutuusin, hindi naman talaga kasi tayo. Kaya lang, mahal na kita ehh. Mahal na mahal na kita. Kaya, pasensya ka na kung nasasaktan ako. Pasensya ka na kung nagdududa ako. Pasensya ka na kung nahihirapan na akong magtiwala sa'yo. Pasensya ka na kung masyado akong mareklamo.

Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang mangyayari. Tatawa pa rin ako tuwing kausap mo. babatuhin pa rin kita ng mga korning banat o jokes, kakantahan pa rin kita, sasabihan ng mga salitang makata, kakagatin, yayakapin, hahalikan, pero hindi ko maipapangakong magiging buo sa loob ko ang sayang ipapakita ko.

Nasasaktan pa rin ako.
Nalulungkot pa rin ako.
At hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan aabutin to.

NOTE TO SELF

Wag nang umasa sa mga bagay na ipinapangakong gagawin ng iba.
Kung sakaling matupad nila



Kung hindi man, at least, wala kang pagsisisihan.
Walang mawawala sa'yo.
Hindi ka masasaktan.

Title

Am I not good enough?

9:36

What is fucking wrong with me.

Sagot

Lubha akong nagagalak
Dahil sa mga tulang isinulat
Mga titik na nagbigay ngiti sa aking labi
At inspirasyon ang naging silbi

Hindi ko inasahang ako ma'y makakagawa
Akala ko'y isipan ko'y kinakalawang na
Ngunit heto at aking hinahabi ang mga salita
At pinagtatagpi-tagpi ang aking mga nadarama

Maraming bagay sa mundo ang hindi ko mahanapan ng dahilan
Maraming pangyayari ang akala nati'y magdaraan lang
Ang sabi ng iba ang mga ito ay gawa lamang ng pagkakataon
Ngunit ang iba'y tadhana ang inirarason

Ano man ang dahilan nila
Iisa lang ang aking paniniwala
Na pinagtagpo tayo upang magsama
At pagsaluhan ang pag-ibig na walang kasing saya

"Yung" Moments.

Yung katatapos lang ng isang masayang araw pero nagpupumilit sumiksik ang mga bagay na panandaliang isinantabi.

Yung pakiramdam na nag-expire na kaagad ang kasiyahan.

Yung pakiramdam na gusto mong balikan ang alaalang katatapos lamang upang muling maramdaman na hindi ka pala nag iisa. Na ung taong dahilan ng saya mo ay nandyan pa rin sa tabi mo at hindi ka iniwan.

Yung mga ganitong pagkakataon ang nakakaasar.

"ayoko sa sobrang masaya dahil may kapalit."

Kapalit na tone-toneladang lungkot na ni hindi mo alam kung saan ba galing. Na nandyan lang pala sa loob mo. Na akala mo natunaw na. Nag-invisible lang pala.

Yung...

Boundary

Nature at its finest⭐

This is life.
And I am glad that you are a part of it.

Half life.

Kung pag iisipan ng mabuti,
Kung pipilitin talagang bigyang kahulugan
ang ano mang meron tayo ngayon,
ang relasyong nabuo sa pagitan natin,
masasabi kong it isn't really that of a romantic relationship.

Oo, maaaring mahal nga natin ang isa't isa ngayon,
pero nararamdaman kong mas higit pa doon ang meron tayo.
Higit pa sa isang pagkakaibigan
Higit pa sa isang pag-iibigan
Higit pa sa isang pamilya.

We are kindred spirits.
Soul mates.

Isang bagay na kailanman ay hindi masisira
Hindi matitibag
Hindi malalamatan

Sa'yo ang kalahati ng buhay ko
at alam kong malaking bahagi rin ang inookupa ko sa buhay mo.
Malaking bahagi na kailanma'y hindi mapupunan ng iba
o maaagaw ng mga taong darating pa.

Ako'y sa'yo at ika'y akin lamang, sabi mo nga.
At hindi man magkaroon ng katuparan ang sumpaang iyan sa ngayon,
naniniwala akong magtatagpo tayong muli pagdating ng panahon
Hindi para bigyang katuparan ang mga pangako
Kundi para punan ang bahagi natin sa buhay ng isa't isa.

Dahil iyan tayo.
Iisa.
One soul dwelling in two bodies sabi nga nila.

Kaya masaya ako, dahil sa dinami-rami ng tao sa mundo,
ikaw ang nahanap ko
Ikaw ang nakilala ko
Ikaw ang pumupuno sa kalahati ng buhay ko.

Ikaw.
At wala nang iba.

Sayang nga ba?

Handa na akong ipaglaban ka.
Handa na akong talikuran ang lahat makasama lang kita.
Handa na akong iwan ang seguridad na matagal kong hinanap
kapalit ng pagmamahal mo at mga ipinangakong ligaya.
Handa na akong harapin ang takot.
Handa na akong harapin ang mga panghuhusga.

Handa na sana.
Pero wala na pala.
Bago ko pa masimulan, tinapos mo na.
Kahit sabihin mong nadala ka lang sa galit,
o matinding emosyon,
masakit pa ring isiping kayang-kaya mo akong
itapon kapag nagkaroon ng pagkakataon.

Alam ko nasaktan ka rin sa mga nangyari,
mas higit pa siguro ung sakit na naramdaman mo,
pero hindi ko rin kayang isantabi ung sakit na dulot
ng mga salitang "tapusin na natin 'to."
Lalo na ang mga panghuhusgang hindi kita kayang intindihin
at tanggapin.
Paano ko nga gagawin iyon, kung ikaw mismo hindi mo ipinapaliwanag
ng maayos ang sarili mo.
Gumagawa tayo ng mga bagay na makakasakit sa isa't isa,
saka magsisisihan kung sino nga ba ang hindi kayang manindigan.

Pasensya na kung hindi ko pa kayang magpatawad.
Masyado akong nasaktan.
Kung hanggang dito na lang talaga ang lahat, salamat na lang.

Sana'y makahanap ka ng taong maiintindihan ka, matatanggap ka, maipaglalaban ka.

Kasi, hindi ako iyon.
Kailanman siguro'y hindi magiging ako.
Kahit pa naisin ko.

6.47

We both have issues.
with ourselves
with everyone around us
with our demons inside us.

So we fight
we argue
we throw hurtful words at each other
inspite of the love that connects us,
it also is the reason that's tearing us apart.

I guess it just wasn't really that strong.
At all.

Or is it... maybe?
Hopefully.

6.35

Nakakapagod.

Soon

And I will write about us soon~
hopefully.

Seasonal depression ulit

Masaya kanina.
Biglang natakot
Biglang nadismaya
Biglang nasaktan
Biglang nalungkot.

Biglaan.

Umibe no Onnanoko

...

Aww it.

Awitan mo ako...
gamit ang bawat pintig ng puso mo.

Late

Para siyang yung mini bus
at ikaw naman yung big bus.

Alam kong late na ako.
Darating yung mini bus.
Pag doon ako sasakay, alam kong secured na ako.
Hindi man makarating sa tamang oras, at least panatag ako na may magdadala sa akin sa dapat kong paroonan.

Tumigil yung mini bus.
Niyaya akong sumakay.
Pero ako'y umiling.
Ilang pilitan pa ang nangyari bago siya tuluyang umandar at umalis para ipagpatuloy ang byahe.

At ikaw...
Ikaw, yung big bus, pa rin ang hinihintay ko sa araw-araw.
Ikaw kung saan alam kong magiging kumportable ang aking byahe ngunit wala ang seguridad na hinahanap ko.
Dahil walang katiyakan kung kelan darating
Dahil wala ring katiyakan ang oras ng paghahatid mo sa akin sa dapat kong patunguhan
Dahil hindi ko alam kung darating ka pa nga ba talaga.

Pero patuloy pa rin kitang hihintayin sa araw-araw
Patuloy ko pa ring ipagdarasal na sana'y paglabas ko, matyempuhan ko ang iyong pagdating

Ngunit...
May paparating na namang mini bus.

Sasakay na ako ha?

Noong araw ng Linggo

Pinapakinggan kita.

Dinig na dinig ko sa pagitan ng mga makabagong telepono ang galak sa iyong tinig habang binabalikan ang lahat ng nangyari noong nakaraang linggo.
Ramdam na ramdam ko ang sinasabi mong saya dahil sa mga pangyayaring naganap.
At ako ma'y hindi mapigilang madala at muling gunitain sa isip ang munting alaala ng sabi mo nga'y mahabang araw na iyon.

Ang daming nangyari.
Nakipagkita sa isang kaibigan
Nagpaikot-ikot
Kumain
Naglaro
Nanood ng sine
Nag usap ng "medyo" masinsinan.

Sa tuwing nakakasama kita, wala na akong ibang hinihiling kundi ang huwag matapos ang araw.
Na sana'y patuloy itong umusad, kahit paulit-ulit, huwag lamang humantong sa oras na kailangan na nating maghiwalay at magpaalam.
Pero kailanma'y hindi yun mangyayari.
Kailanma'y hindi yun matutupad.
Darating at darating tayo sa puntong iyon.
Darating at darating tayo sa oras kung saan kailangan nang maghiwalay.

Kung panandalian lamang o permanente ang paghihiwalay na iyon, wala isa man sa atin ang nakakaalam.

Niyakap mo ako sa bus
Hinalikan kita. Hinalikan mo ako.
At habang papalapit ang bababaan ko, naisip ko na sana'y dumating ang araw na kasama na kita sa bawat pagbaba ko sa ano mang byahe ng buhay.

Pinapakinggan kita habang patuloy mo pa ring idinedetalye ang mga nangyari.
Pero isa lang ang naintindihan ko.
Masaya ka.
At sapat na sa aking malaman iyon.

Ahh.

Gusto kong sulitin ang bawat araw na nakakasama ka.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit,
pero habang papalapit ang araw kung
saan tayo'y magiging malaya na,
pakiramdam ko ay siya ring araw
na paghihiwalayin tayo ng tadhana.

Less help

I feel helpless.
And i hate it.

10:47

#selfpity

12:56

Superhero overload :D

KINIKILIG AKO KAY BATMAAAAN! <3<3<3

Oh.

Yung nakatayo ka lang sa gilid ng kalsada
pero muntik ka pa ring masagasaan.

Sayang.

Prologue

She saw him.

After all these years she hadn't seen him, she thought he was gone. Gone somewhere far away. She even imagined him being dead, a hundred times until it was all she could only believe.

But apparently, he's not. He was there, in the alleyway, standing under the snow on a cold bright night, not minding the freezing weather.

"No." she thought.
"This is just a dream."

She closed her eyes for a moment, then opened it again, hoping he was just an apparition, a figment of her imagination. But he didn't disappear. He was still standing there. As if waiting for someone.

She felt terror rushing through her veins. All memories she had tried to suppress came flowing out her mind. She felt numb. She couldn't move. The cold weather became even colder and the bright evening suddenly went dark. She can't breathe. Suddenly she wanted to take off all her clothes just to breathe in some air. She was suffocating. It felt as though the world became a small box and only the two of them were inside. It was suffocating. The sight of him was suffocating. She couldn't take it anymore. She wanted release. She wanted to ease the tension, the panic and the terror.

She reached inside her winter coat pocket. She felt that familiar cold object inside, gripped it.

She saw him walk towards her. She felt another surge of panic. She needed to get away from that place. Away from the sight of him. She ran away. Entered a diner and went straight the bathroom.

She was breathing hard. She sat on the toilet bowl. Suddenly she felt like she needed to puke. But she took out the object from her pocket instead. Felt the sharp blade on her thumb. She then took off her coat, rolled up her sleeve and started cutting her arms.

She felt that familiar pain on her flesh. She closed her eyes. She could still see him in her mind.
Cut.
She could see him standing.
Cut. More pain.
She could see him looking at her.
Cut deeper. He's smiling at her.
Cut. Cut. Cut. He started walking towards her.

She felt the terror growing. Her hand gripped the razor tighter, slicing her flesh deeper and deeper. Her breathing, harsh. Her heart pounding on her chest. She felt the tears running down her cheeks.She bit her lip. She could almost taste her own blood from her lips, mixed in with her salty tears.

He's coming closer.. and closer.
Cuts faster and faster.
She couldn't feel the pain from her cuts anymore .

He reached out his hands to her, as if to grab her. She closed her eyes tighter.

"no.. please no!" she thought.
"go away!" she screamed.

Then she was drawn back to reality by a sudden knock on the bathroom stall.

"miss? Are you okay?" a voice called out.
"y-yeah." she called back in a small voice.

She felt a pang of pain from her arms. She ain't numb anymore. She saw her arms still bleeding from the cuts. She cried harder. But is now calmer. She felt as if she had just been awakened from a nightmare.

"no," she said.
"this is still a nightmare. i am not yet awake.."

The terror of knowing he's back in town is still there. In the deep recesses of her heart.

Le Monstre Charmant

In the past, there was a monster who took the form of a little girl, who was accompanied by a rabbit. The monster used its powers to help the underprivileged, and the rabbit was its guard, protecting the monster against those who tried to harm it.

A lot of people loved the monster. However, in time, a person of power set his sights on the monster, determined to catch her as “proof” of his power. The man and his followers killed the rabbit when it tried to protect the monster. And so he had the monster…or so he thought.

But… the monster had died.

It was then discovered that the monster and the rabbit were one.
The rabbit was the monster’s “heart”.
The monster and the rabbit were two forms, but one being.

- Gosick episode 22

I am thawing.

"I am spinning the silk threads of my story,
weaving the fabrics of my world.

I spun out of control.

Eating was hard.
Breathing was hard.
Living was hardest.

I wanted to swallow the bitter seeds of forgetfulness...
Somehow, I dragged myself out of the dark and asked for help.
I spin and weave and knit my words and visions until a life starts to take shape.

There is nos magic cure,
no making it all go away forever.

There are only small steps upward;
an easier day,
an unexpected laugh,
a mirror that doesn't matter anymore.

I am thawing."

- Wintergirls

12.13

Wala. Kyoot lan. At sweet. :')


*it's times like these I learn to live again.

02/12/11

Sinubukan kong magbago para sa isang tao. Nagawa ko. Pero sa huli, naisip ko, hindi pala pwede un. Hindi dapat. Dahil kung talagang mahal ka niya, kaya niyang tanggapin kung ano ka pa.

kwentong barbero

Mahal kita pero mahal ko na rin siya.
Napapasaya mo ako pero mas napapasaya niya ako ngayon.
Gusto kong muling makasama ka. Ayoko nang mahiwalay pa sa kaniya.
Pag kausap ko siya, nakakalimutan kita
Pag kausap kita, siya na lang ang nasa alaala
Walang sandali na hindi siya nawala sa isip ko
Samantalang kailangan mo pang huliin ang atensyon ko

Alam kong hindi na ito patas
Mas lalong hindi na ito tama.

Pero ayaw kitang mawala
ngunit mas lalong
hindi ko kayang bitawan siya.

Yung pakiramdam

Na parang gusto mong lumayo.
Na isang hakbang palang ang nagagawa mo
doble na agad pabalik ang kapalit nito.

Yung pakiramdam ni Chito Miranda nung
kantahin niya ang mga katagang...

"I taaaaaake one step awaaaay-
then I find myself coming back
to youuuu.
My one and only,
One and only youuu."

Panata

Parang ngayon lang nagkaroon ng katuparan yung panatang sinumpaan ko sa pahinang ito noong ika-tatlumpo ng Nobyembre, apat na taon ang lumipas.

Woot. :')

Sundays

Sunday is for missing

things
places
emotions
events

and people.
Especially people.

xx

9:44

Wonder by RJ Palacio

11:11

There isn't always a reason for self-harm
Sometimes you do it
Because you just feel like doing it
Period

Reset.
000.

"SH counter reset"

I think I overdid it this time.
It wasn't really that deep.
But the bleeding just won't stop.

the little things that make you smile~

Y: What is it that you see in me na hindi ko makita? (edited)
X: Ikaw. YUNG TOTOONG IKAW.
.
.
.
.

*ndi ako dapat napapangiti sa mga ganitong bagay lan.
pero leshe. ung pagkakasabi (pagkakabulong) mo, masyadong nakakakilig!
*blush kuno*
*hampas sa braso ng imaginary katabi*
*untog sa pader an ulo*
*suntok sa unan*
*dies*

sorry. ganyan talaga ako kiligin :D

1.28

Why do I have to feel guilty for being happy?
Why are Sundays so gloomy?

02.21.15

No words
could actually
ever express
how happy
you made me.


Sana hindi nalan natatapos ang bawat araw na kasama kita.

Retreat

I still wanna cry my eyes out.

NP: Mama - Flyleaf

Hey.

Dear X,

Kung sakali mang maisipan mong buksan ulit tong blog ko, etou..

Sorry.

Sa mga bagay na ginagawa ko na minsan nakakasakit sa'yo.
Sa mga bagay na sinasabi ko na minsan nakakapagpamura sa'yo.
Sa mga bagay tungkol sa sarili ko na minsan hindi ko maintindihan
Na siyang nagdudulot nan sakit at nakakapagpamura sa'yo.

Pero minsan, kahit na ako mismo hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko,
gusto ko pa ring ipaintindi sa'yo...

Ipaintindi na
madalas magulo talaga ako.
mahirap akong intindihin. Sobra. Syempre magulo nga ako di ba?
may mga bagay akong sinasabi at ginagawa
na madalas taliwas naman talaga sa nararamdaman ko.

Dahil minsan pinapangunahan ko ung mga bagay-bagay.
Tulad na lang kapag sinasabi mong may doubt pa rin ako tungkol sa nararamdaman mo para sa akin. Hindi naman talaga ako nagdududa. Sabi ko, takot lang akong paniwalaan un totally. Pero sa totoo lang, buong-buo na ung paniniwalang yun. Natatakot lang talaga ako na baka dumating agad yung araw na mawala yang nararamdaman mo. Kaya mas mabuti nalang na paniwalain ko ung sarili ko na hindi talaga ako naniniwala nan buo sa nararamdaman mo. Para kung sakali mang matapos agad 'to. At least, kahit ginagago ko lang yung sarili ko, siguro naman kahit konti, mabawasan man lan yung pain na dala nung bagay na yun. (ewan kung nagets mo ung logic. Hirap iexplain)

Gusto ko ring ipaintindi sa'yo na
Kung piliin mo mang mag-stay,
Marami ka pang mararanasang kabaliwan ko.
Madalas pa rin kitang aawayin (depende kung gaano kagulo at kaintense yun mood ko)
Madalas pa rin akong gagawa ng mga bagay na (medyo?) unreasonable, na siyang magiging dahilan nan pagtatalo at pang-aaway ko sa'yo
Dahil...
Minsan, unfair man para sayo o para sa ibang tao, sa ganung paraan ko lang nailalabas o naiexpress yung emotions ko. Yung tipong kahit malungkot lang ako, sa galit ko pa rin dinadaan para lang mabawasan nan konti ung pakiramdam.
Kaso sabi ko nga, unfair yun. Para sayo. Para sa taong napagbubuntunan ko nan galit.
Pero gusto kong malaman mo yung bagay na yun.
Gusto kong maintindihan mo.
Para malaman mo, maintindihan mo at mapagdesisyunan mo kung gugustuhin mo pa bang manatili sa tabi ko.

Dahil, sinisiguro ko (ndi ito threat) mahirap talaga akong ihandle. As in sobrang hirap (sabi nila)
May nagsabi pa nga dati, ang hirap daw basahin kung ano talaga ang ugali ko. Hehe. (patalastas)
Ayakong dumating ung araw na pagsisihan mo lang 'to.
Na baka masayang lang ung oras mo sa isang walang kwentang taong katulad ko.

Higit sa lahat. Hindi ko maipapangako na puro saya lang ang maibibigay ko. Alam kong mas marami akong maibibigay na lungkot.

So. If you still want to stay despite all these, then, salamat nang sobra.
I will probably break you in the process. Pero, pangako naman na sa bawat pagbasag ko sayo, at the end of the day, gagawin ko parin ang lahat para muling buuin ka.
Eto lang po ung maiooffer ko. Napakanegative nang dating, alam ko. Pero un lang ang kaya ko. Ito. At ang pagmamahal ko.

Mahal na mahal kita. Sobra pa. Mas sobra. Sobrang-sobra. At kahit anong gawin kong pagbabalak na umiwas, o umalis, o tumigil, hindi ko magawa. Dahil sa unang hakbang palang paalis, hinahatak mo na ako kaagad pabalik. Ganun kalakas ang epekto mo sakin. Ganun kasobra ang lupit ng tadhana. Lol. Pero hindi ako nagsisisi. Hinding hindi ko pagsisisihan ang lahat ng bagay na may kinalaman sayo.

Yun lang.
Sorry kung medyo magulo pa rin ang kimahinatnan nito.

Love,

Y.

2:03

Why do I feel sad?

Heartburn

My chest hurts.

1:40

I hope people would just say flat out how boring I am instead of making excuses in order to stop talkin to me.

Musika

Make music a big part of your life.
Because, as the saying goes...

The Reason

Dear Lacey,

you just made me feel better.
And made my pain bearable.
xx

Pak.

I feel insecure.
It felt like I am not worth anything.
That I don't deserve everything.
Not even my existence.

This is fucking killing me.

Bliss

Yung kahit yung blog music ko man lang ang medyo masaya ng konti.

Now Watching: Parasyte

Sorry if you don't hear from me soon

Small town, just north of the city,
There's a girl all alone by the window in need and she,
She's thinking that this world's too much to take
And they could use one less heart to break
She stares down at the world below
Fools herself to thinking she should just let go, I know
I wish she knew she wasn't so alone

She left us a letter to outline the facts
How she felt so alone like the world turned their backs
Her parents don't notice she's slipping away
She'd still be around if she just heard them say

It's the ups and downs of living life this way
Promise me you'll never go away
Just stay with me through one more night
Because it's always darkest before the light
And now I promise you I'll never turn away
I won't let you give us one less heart to break

Things you probably do not know about me.

#I'm definitely hard to handle. Especially on my worst moods.
#Sobrang selosa.
#Makitid ang utak (pag selosa)
#I have this obsession to hate myself every time.
#I do self pity. A lot. (which leads to self hate)
#SELFISH.

12:12

Madali lang namang gawin.
Ang pumagitna sa kalsada habang maraming
naglalakihang mga sasakyan ang nagsisidaanan.

Madali lang gawin.
Ilang hakbang lang.

Isa.
Dalawa.
Tatlo.
Apat.
Lima.

Ilang mabilisang hakbang
Ilang mabilisang mga bus at trak
Isang mabilisang hiling
Na sana'y hindi pumalpak.

Date.

"...if our love is tragedy,
why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity,
why are you my clarity?"

9:43

I'm so close to breaking down. Again.

16 days clean.

Sunday

Ang ginaw
Ang kulimlim
Ang tahimik
Ang lungkot

Nakakatamad
Nakakaantok
Nakakainip
Nakakaiyak

Naiisip mo iyong mga bagay na hindi mo na dapat pang inaalala
Nagsusumiksik sa utak mo iyong mga bagay na akala mo nalimutan mo na
Nakakaramdam ka ng mga bagay-bagay kahit alam mong manhid ka na.
Hindi pa pala.

1:48

"Huwag mo akong iiwan..."

Ngayon ko lang napagtanto, yan pala ang pinaka-"unfair" na mga salitang maririnig mo.
Hindi i hate you, hindi i love you, hindi paalam, hindi sorry, hindi kung anu-ano
pang mga salita o grupo ng mga salita na matatagpuan sa dictionary.

Yan lang. Huwag mo akong iiwan.
Sa totoo lang, ang simple ng bagay na yan pero nagiging mahirap
at higit sa lahat,
hindi patas.

Dahil lamang sa kadahilanang hindi mo binibigyan ng pagkakataon yung taong
makapamili kung gusto ba niyang manatili o umalis na lang.
Dahil sa kadahilanang itinatali mo siya sa isang bagay
na alam niyang sa sarili niya ay kailanma'y
hindi magkakaroon ng kasiguruhan.
Dahil minsan, hindi mo lamang siya itinatali ngunit iginagapos, ikinukulong,
ikinakandado at saka itatapon ang susi.

Paano kung gusto na niyang lumaya?
Paano niya masasabi ang katotohanang gusto na niyang muling
lumipad at humanap ng ibang lungga?
Sinong matino ang makakayang iwanan ang isang taong nagsasabing
hinding-hindi niya makakaya kapag nawala ka?
Sinong matino ang makakayang iwanan ang isang taong
nagmamakaawang manatili ka?

Paano mo magagawang ipaliwanag na hindi dapat ikaw
ang magsilbing buhay niya?
Na hindi dapat sa'yo lang
umiikot ang mundo niya.

Na kahit mawala ka...
makakaya niya.

Paano ka nga ba kakawala?

A little Reminder

One day, I might get hit by a bus.

You be the Anchor that Keeps My Feet on the Ground, I'll be the Wings that Keep Your Heart in the Clouds

I'll be here by the ocean just waiting for proof
that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams.

Things I did today

:matusok nan bubuyog (nun isan araw pa to pero hanggang ngayon masakit parin. Aantayin ko nalan ma-anaphylaxis)
:maglapat nan tugtugin at kun anu-anong sfx sa presentations at stage plays para sa foundation day bukas
:matorete sa dami nan trabaho
:mapagod sa kun anu-anong kadahilanan
:magutom (sa kawalan nan kain.)
:kumanta nan kaunti sa videoke
:tumawa nan malakas
:kiligin
:sumaya
:masaktan
:magselos

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8:53

Things I'm bad at:

*eye contact
*expressing feelings
*makin decisions
*tellin someone what I want
*explainin why I act a certain way
*gettin motivated to do stuff
*payin attention to people

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Tadhana

Yung pag-ibig na alam na nga ni tadhanang hindi pwede pero gumagawa pa rin siya ng paraan para magtagpo.
Para magkaroon ng katuparan kahit saglit lan.
Hindi ko alam kung gusto lan ba niya talagang tumulong, naaawa lang, nagtitrip, o talaga lang sadista siya.
Dahil ung saglit na pagtatagpo ay katumbas ng tone-toneladang bigat at sakit at pait sa dibdib.

Dahil yung saglit na pagsasama ay katumbas ng isang libong taon ng panghihinayang.
Para lang sa isang pagibig na kahit anong gawin mo,
kailan man ay hinding-hindi mapapasaiyo.

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01/24/15

Stamp.

Yung araw na punong-puno ng tawanan
At kulitan.
At #hashtags.

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Superman

Pag naaalala kita nasasaktan pa rin ako. Nalulungkot. Umiiyak.
Alam kong hindi mapapantayan ng simpleng "sorry" lang yung ginawa ko.
Pero sana kung nasaan ka man,
sana'y masaya ka.
At ako'y napatawad mo na.

Dahil kahit anong mangyari, mahal kita. Hindi ko man naipakita.

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6:40

Pasensya na

Kung nakakapagod pala lahat ng bagay na meron tayo.
Dahil ako, kahit na mahirap at minsan masakit, kahit kelan hindi ako nakaramdam ng pagod. Dahil higit pa sa kahit anong hirap at sakit ay iyong saya na nagbibigay sa akin ng pag asa para harapin ang kung ano mang bagay na pwedeng maging sagabal sa lahat.

Pasensya na

Kung hindi ko nakita
Kung hindi ko naramdaman
Kung hindi ko pinansin man lang.

Napapagod ka na pala.
Pasensya.

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6:29

Why am I so scared to ask for help? </3

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Check. Mate.

Unexpectedly you came. Indifferent and clueless but you had the aura of complexity. I didn’t bother to recognize the beauty that was innate in you for it was just one of those senseless conversations for me. We were both minding our own pointless existence. As the witty exchange of words drew us together, it suddenly occurred to me that this was different. You were different. I instantly noticed how amazingly smart you were. That and more.

I was the black pawn. You were the white knight. We were always on the same board but we never had our squares aligned. While I was busy protecting, shielding my own realm, you were having your own share of victorious moments. I took my steps one square at a time, constantly being aware of the threat that haunted me for years. Your valor radiated from within while your horse galloped. Your mere presence was too overwhelming for me not to notice.

You were my metaphor.

Your vagueness was intriguing me.

For some strange reason it was as if I understood every crap you’ve been telling me. I just refused to acknowledge the fact that they were affecting me this much. I was trying desperately hard to resist being dragged any further into this but the scent of paranoia that once lingered in my whole being seemed to have faded.

It had its toll.

You had me.

We both knew that we could not justify the mediocrity of it all. Still you said you meant those words that you blurted out that one midnight when I was about to hit the sack. How ironic. I had doubts about its sincerity, though. I told you that. You didn’t argue. You just understood.

I was confused that’s why I just had to draw the line. I didn’t want to hold on to something that was not even there. You assured me that it was there, constantly hovering over my open palm. Somehow I just couldn’t grasp it. Maybe because I was just trying hard to get a grip of it for I feared that it might go away. I realized that I wasn’t letting it have a chance to calmly rest on my palm. I know you were just taking your time. You’ve been doing that from the start. You would never know how much I appreciated you for that. You were just probably as scared as I was. Not even half I bet, for now you have everything to lose.

I’m nearing the end of the chessboard. Soon I’ll be transformed into a queen. I don’t know how to rule. This whole sense of sovereignty and royalty is far too profound for me to comprehend.

Give me reasons to trust you.

Tell me you’ll guard me with all your heart.

Tell me you’ll erase the fear that I’ve been having of falling in love.

Assure me that you’re the one I’ve been longing for and I’ll forever be yours.

Check. Your move

Article: Check
Author: Paperclip

Date a girl who READS

DATE A GIRL WHO READS

by Rosemarie Urquico
(In response to Charles Warnke’s You Should Date an Illiterate Girl)
_____

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.
Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.
You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat, Harry and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

I DON'T REALLY LIKE THE WORD "MEMORY"

Nana: Why not?
Yano: No reason. In my Japanese class in elementary school, I read a story.
Nana: What story?
Yano: A story called “What color was that girls dress?” Heard of it?
Nana: No.
Yano: Two girls, named A and B are recalling an old story together. They get into this discussion about a picture hanging on the wall of one of the staircase landings in their elementary school. A picture of a girl picking flowers in front of a deep red sunset. You never really read this?
Nana: Nope.
Yano: A says, “Oh, how nostalgic. You’re talking about the picture of the girl in a pretty yellow dress, right?” But then B says, “No, the dress she was wearing was red, just like the sunset!”

“No, it was red.”
“No, it was definitely yellow.”
“Alright then, why don’t we go see for ourselves?”

The two of them, filled with excitement, reached the old, nostalgic school building. "What color was that girl’s dress?”
Nana: What color was it?
Yano: It.. didn't have a color. It was just a black and white picture. The dress that dark silhouette wore was scribbled completely black. Yet in their memories, both bickering girls were sure that the dress in the picture had a color. See? Human memories are too vague. Thinking something has color when it doesn’t, making things more dramatic than they really are, glorifying things.. It gives new, greater meaning than was actually there.That’s why I don’t believe any of this talk about “beautiful memories.”
Nana: What do you believe in, then?
Yano: You. Absolutely you. What’s in front of me right now.

11:45

I am very emotionally unstable right now.
My mind is all messed up.
I don't how long this would go on. It might take days, weeks, months, or even longer.
I'd be sure to be very moody.

You'd find me sweet and cheerful one minute then angry and sad the next.
I may not talk that often.
I may distance myself from you, from everyone,
but I hope that you would never run out of patience for me.

I hope you'd still find it in your heart to care.

xx

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TO YOU: Who made me see things I could never see alone.

I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it, but I didn't, not really. Only the smudgeness of it: the pink-slippered, all-containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn't realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it's the halves that halve you in half. I didn't know, don't know about the in-between bits: the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me.

-- Like Crazy

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3:05

Exactly what I'm feelin these past few days.

Masaya naman ako. May mga bagay at iilang taong nagpapasaya. Pero hindi ko maaaring isantabi ung pakiramdam na

Malungkot.
Sa loob. Sa kaibuturan nan damdamin. Sa kasuluk-sulukan nan utak ko,

Yung lungkot na nakakalimutan lang pag pinapasaya ka ni "special someone."
Pero hindi naman talaga nawawala. Ni hindi nababawasan. Mas nadadagdagan pa nga. Mas lumalala.

Hindi rin naman ako wasak.
Malungkot lan talaga.

Yung mabigat na lungkot.
Anhirap pasanin.
Ansakit sa buong pagkatao.
Yung gugustuhin mong matulog nalang at di na magising pa.

Sana.

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La douleur exquise

The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you cannot have.

NP: Gilid by Moonstar88

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Sea waves

Salamat..

sa isa na namang masayang alaala.

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11:48

I feel exhausted.
I just want to get away from everyone
Detach myself from everything.

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9:31

"Mahal kita. Sa kahit anong anggulo nang buhay mo."

Sa tanang buhay ko, yan na yata ang pinakamatamis na salitang narinig/nabasa ko. Daig pa niya un sangkatutak na mahalna mahal na mahal kita o yung i love you forever, pati na yung sandamakmak na love quotes at mga linyang pampelikula nina Marvin at Jolina.

Maiksi lang yan. Mababaw ang mga salita pero anlalim ng kahulugan. Yung tipong mahal ka niya kahit na gulong-gulo angbuhok mo at ampangit pangit mo sa umaga paggising mo. Yun tipong mahal ka niya kahit sobran bantot nan utot mo o sobrang lakas nan pag-burp mo. Yun tipong mahal ka niya kahit baduy ka, pangit ka, mataba ka, bobo ka, makinis man o ndi, matangkad o maliit, mayaman o mahirap, may pinag-aralan o wala.

Yun tipong mahal ka niya kahit ikaw na ang pinaka-messed up na tao sa mundo.
Yung pagmamahal na tanggap ka sa kung ano ka pa. Sa kung ano ka dati, kung ano ka ngayon at kung ano pa ang kasadlakan mo sa hinaharap.
Yung pagmamahal na hindi mapanghusga.
Pagmamahal na totoo. Pure sabi nga nila.

A love that knows no boundaries. Limitless. Unconditional.

Parang ung tipo ng pagmamahal mo.
At higit sa lahat, yung tipo ng pagmamahal na ibinibigay Niya.

gah.

Dahil masipag akong mag-type ngayon:

Collide by Howie Day on repeat.

8:58

Someone just kind of reminded me that I needed to update my blog.

But then, mula noon, I already find it hard to express my thoughts.

Sa totoo lan andami kong gustong isulat. Andaming mga bagay ang lumalangoy sa utak ko. Mga bagayna hindi mailabas nan bibig. Pero sa tuwina, hirap akong huliin ang mga bagay na 'to. Kaya ang nanyayari, naiipon na lan sila. Minsan nawawala nanan kusa, pero mas madalas nabubulok na lan.
Kaya ang epekto, bumabaho. Sumisingaw. Napopollute ang utak ko.

Kalawangin na nga, polluted pa.

Tch.