Right. [Draft]

There is no right time to meet a person. There's no planning when he will come, or where, or even how. It just happens, and for whatever reasons. There's not even a single "why."

There's no such thing as Mr. Right. So, don't wait for it, or you'll end up wasting years that could have been spent together with anyone. You'd fall in love with lots of Mr. Rights, yes. You were happy. In those times you were with any of them, you were happy, and in love, and you felt that cliche moment of sparks and butterflies. You get hurt, too. But that's part of the deal, or the whole package. So, whoever that person you fall in love with right now, he's Mr. Right. If it doesnt work out, doesn't mean he's gone Mr. Wrong.

There is no right moment to fall in love. There is no "right love at the wrong time." You fall, circumstances are a bitch, but it is still the right moment because you're feeling it, and boy how that felt right.

There is no right gender for love.
No right age
No right religion
No right social status.

There is only love. And you know that's the only thing that's right.

6 days. Zero.

My birthday's coming up and I'm fucking cutting.

Superheroes

Hello Superman, and Lois Lane,

I miss you.
But hey, dont let me see you because
although I love you so much
that is still freaky. Lol
But I still miss you both.

And it's lonely here.
I need that cookie, tay.
I never got to say thank you
for offering me cookie that day.
And nay, I never did thank you
for being there for me at that time
when I thought no one else did.

I love you.

FW

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck on a ferris wheel. One minute I'm on top of the world, then the next I'm at rock bottom.

2.18 am

I am a very, very sad person.

"It's not like the movies at all."

Ang saya sanang magmahal, maiwanan, at masaktan kung parang sa pelikula lang. Kasi alam mong no matter what happens, you'd still get the happy ending you so deserve. But life isn't a movie, not even close.

Oo, pwede kang mag-ala Bea Alonzo anytime and tell your guy na "ikaw na lang ulit," pwede kang mag-ala Jericho Rosales at sabihing "isama mo naman ako sa mga plano mo," you can even be Dustin Hoffman who believes that your life is an occasion and that you have to rise to it but what happens in movies, will always be just in movies.

Yung ending mo, kelangan mo pa ring paghirapan. Bawat desisyon, bawat kamalian, malaki ang magiging impact nun sa kabuuan ng kwento. Mahirap. Masaya. Masakit. Magmamahal ka, iiwanan, makakahanap ng bago.

Minsan, you just wanna give it all up, leave everything behind, but even if it's never like the movies,  sabi nga sa direksyon ni Roberto Benigni, "Life is Beautiful" and also, just like what John Keating said, "Carpe Diem."

PAUTANGGGG!

Ang hirap naman umutang pota. Hahaha
Ang hirap lumapit, magteks, magchat, at sabihing "pautang naman" grabe. Huhu
Yung kelangang kelangan mo na pero you just cant find the words or the kapal ng mukha para humiram.

Hays.
Ang hirap maging mahirap T.T

6.47

Ang pathetic ng buhay namin
Sobrang hirap
Gusto kong pagsisihang nagresign ako sa trabaho. Hindi sana ganito magiging kahirap ang araw araw.
Daig pa ang isang kahig isang tuka hahaha pota

Bente uno

Dalawang taon at sampung buwan
Tatlumpo't apat na buwan
Isang daan at apat na pu't walong linggo
Isang libo, tatlumpo't limang araw.


Mahal kita sa loob ng isang libo at tatlumpo't limang araw o maaaring higit pa.

Sana'y hindi matapos bagkus ay madagdagan pa.

Dahil sa loob ng isang libo at tatlumpo't limang araw lamang ako naging tunay na masaya.

Salamat.

Ongoing

Ang dali lang magmahal ano?
Konting landi, konting lambing, konting kwentuhan hanggang mag-umaga, konting date, konting flowers at chocolates or sampaguita at choc-nut, konting hi, hello, kumusta, good morning, kumain ka na ba?, good night, i love you mwah mwah tsup tsup.

Madali lang. Pakitaan ka lang ng kaunting effort, maiinlab ka na. Banatan ka lang ng gasgas na pick-up line, kinikilig ka na. Gawan ka lang ng maliit na lab letter, gusto nang kumawala ng puso mo sa kulungan nito. Yakapin ka lang, halikan ka lang, pakiramdam mo ikaw na ang pinaka-special na tao sa buong mundo.

Pero ano ba ang mahirap?
Aminin man natin o hindi, nahirap yung pagtanggap sa kung anong klaseng tao ang mahal mo. Habang nadadagdagan ang mga araw na "kayo," mas nakikilala mo kung ano siya bilang tao. Yung siya na hindi mo nakita nung mga panahong nililigawan ka niya, kasi nga, kailangan ng pogi points di ba?

Medyo mahirap tanggapin kung gaano kabaho ang utot niya, na minsang halikan ka niya, medyo amoy bawang ang hininga niya. Medyo mahirap tanggapin na twice a week lang pala siya maligo o kaya naman mainitin pala ang kaniyang ulo.

Sa mga ganitong pagkakataon, nakikita natin na bukod sa mga bagay na pinagkakasunduan, marami rin pala kayong pagkakaiba. At madalas, mga ganitong bagay ang nagiging sanhi ng mga away.
Yun ang mas mahirap.

Pero mahal mo siya. Kaya nakakaya mong tanggapin kung sino siya. Sa paglipas ng bawat panahon, magagawa mo ring tanggapin ng buo na hindi lang pala siya pogi points. May ugly points din pala. Nagagawa mo ring intindihin na may mga bagay talagang hindi nadadaan sa matinong usapan. Na minsan imbes na naghahalikan, nandyan kayo't nagsisigawan.
Mahirap. Pero kaya. Kasi mahal mo siya.

Madaling gumawa ng mga bagay na ikasisiya niyong dalawa. You dont go through life just living life. You make memories. Beautiful, incomparable memories. Madaling gumawa nito. Masaya kayo. Mga oras at araw na babalik-balikan mo. And every time you remember, you smile. Because you knew that nothing will ever beat those moments.

Tulad nalang nung pagkatuwaan niyong maghalikan sa buong tunnel ng baguio habang nakasakay sa bus (malamang), tulad nung napag usapan niyong maglakad mula Mabilao hanggang bayan ng San Fabian, and your first date? Priceless. Dun mo unang naramdaman na every moment is the right time para sa mga taong umiibig. And every memory is precious. Memories you wanna keep reminding each other every time na alam mong pinanghihinaan ka na ng loob.

Ang mahirap? Bitawan ang mga ala-alang ito. Minsan dumarating yung oras na kailangan nating pakawalan ang mga taong nagiging bahagi ng buhay natin. Kasi minsan, ang pag ibig kahit gaano kalalim, nawawala rin. Mahirap bitawan ang isang-daan at isang ala-ala. Hindi mo basta-basta pwedeng idelete nalang bigla. Mahirap tanggapin na kahit masaya ang bawat sandaling tinatahak niyo patungo sa hinaharap, nagiging mapait ito pag mag isa mo nalang naglakakad pabalik sa nakaraan.

Madali lang kumapit kapag alam mong hindi ka niya iiwan. Mahirap bumitaw kapag ikaw nalang ang nakahawak sa kamay niya. Mabigat, pipilitin mong iangat siya para muli kang masamahan, pero habang inaangat mo siya, mas lalong dumudulas ang pagkakahawak mo sa kaniya. Until you no longer could hold on. Your bone breaks, your fingers snap.
Mahirap makita siyang nahuhulog pababa, pero mas mahirap kapag alam mong may iba na palang sasalo sa kaniya sa ibaba.


Alam nating lahat na hindi pangmatagalan ang kilig, ang spark, the butterflies in your stomach. Those things last. While your relationship gets better each day, nagiging mas kumportable kayo sa isat isa. Yung mga katagang "mahal kita" na kabadong-kabado mong sinasambit, pagdating ng araw nagiging routine na lamang yun.

Anong ginagawa mo? I love you.
Tumatae. I love you too.

Nagiging parte na ang salitang yun sa bawat usapan niyo, mapaseryoso man o kalokohan lang.
At habang mas tumatagal pa, mas madali nalang sayong ipagsa-walang bahala ang mga bagay na hindi mo magawang matanggap nung una. Madali nalang sayo halikan siya kahit katatapos niyang kumain ng shawarma, masasanay ka na rin sa iba-ibang amoy ng utot niya. Nagagawa na rin niyang yakapin ka kahit dalawang beses sa isang linggo ka lang maligo. Nagkakaroon ng familiarity. Nagkakaroon ng mas matibay na pundasyon ang inyong samahan, pero mahirap pag minsan, yung mga bagay na nararamdaman mo nung una, gusto mong maramdaman ulit.
Mahirap kapag

Friday 13th

Hindi ko kaya.
Di ko alam kung paano ako magcocope.
Sobrang lungkot.

What did I ever do to deserve this? :(

Bgh

Been a year since I first went to a psychiatrist for a consultation. I dun want anybody from my family na samahan ako because that felt uncomfy. But going alone was (and still is) a scary thing.

BGH had so many patients waiting. Some were passive (almost lethargic), others are a bit aggressive. There were also some people who were getting too hysterical. Sobrang nakaka-anxious.

The thing is, it makes a difference when you go with someone who you could be comfortable with. Yung kahit hindi mo sabihin na agitated ka na, he (or she) will automatically take his headphones off and put it on you with the intent of calming you down. Or kahit ano basta maging okay ka lang. It makes it easier to brave the things you're too scared to face.

So, be with that person.
Andaming pasakalye, gusto ko lang namang sabihing I miss that person. It was one of the scariest things to do para saken, and medyo "nakakahiya" because of the stigma, but with you, I was able to make it.

Thanks.

12.21

Ang sakit sa puso. Haha.
Hindi ko alam kung anong mas malala, yung magkagusto siya sa iba personally o yung magkagusto lang sa isip at pakiramdam.

Basta.
Masakit pa rin.

Finally, um-okay ka rin blogger huhu

FUCKS ABOUT ME #2536383929

Namimiss ko si Rei. I once had this habit na kapag I am feeling depressed or "dark" I'd change my name to Misery. There are lots of people who knew me by that name or whenever I feel like being cute, I'd change it to Mai Sio (dunno how this name struck me as cute lol)

That habit kinda stopped. I didnt even notice, I was already using one particular name and havent changed since.

Rei was a lot of things. She's been the dark, the cute, and probably the real me. Due to my fear of getting my account locked up (like what happened to my family account), I decided to use my real name.

Lian on the other hand, was just a name. Or maybe she was the "past." Something I'd rather not dwell on to. And it sucks na yung mga bagay na gusto mong kalimutan, yun pa yung mananatili sayo until you draw your last breath.

There was a time, though when I felt proud and happy being Lian. Met a lot of good and special people, made a lot of memories, it was one of those real happy times. And I was thankful for it.

But there came a point when I felt like I no longer know her. I was so used getting called Rei or Missy, I was so used feeling everything as Rei.. It seemed more awfully familiar being called Rei more than anything. Heck, it even almost felt like it was my real name.

It's weird, though. Na may mga ganitong bagay ang mga tao just to express their emotions. Magkakaiba man ng paraan, gaano man kababaw, people would always look for a way to survive. This was probably one of mine. I'm not sure. But it could be.

How to Deal with Stress: Informative Speech

Have you ever felt tired for no particular reason? Haven't you been getting enough sleep? Do you look older than your actual age whenever you look in the mirror? Do you have bags under your eyes? Haven't you been working properly? Do you feel like you are always too stressed?

As we go through life, we will encounter a lot of things. Like they say, "there will always be ups and downs." The ups, we all know how to deal with it. The sky is blue, the weather is nice, your crush smiled at you, you even get to talk to her without stuttering or feeling nervous, your mom cooked you your favorite food, a job promotion, in short, we always know how to deal with all the happiness that we experience. But as the rain pours down, when things get a little out of hand and didnt go the way we planned it, we start feeling down, unhappy, stressed. Yes, stressed.

Stress is one of the things that never ceases to stop. There are a lot of things that we call a "stressor." A stressor according to wikipedia is an external stimulus or event that causes stress to an organism. And there are a lot of them found anywhere, in school, at home, in a workplace, even inside your body, everywhere. It could be a person you dislike, a match you didnt win, an everyday traffic or pollution, assignments, work, your lovelife, lack of sleep, too much alcohol, all those things could trigger a stress.

But now that you know that anything can bring about stress, the most common question we would like an answer to is "How do we deal with stress?" Because, as much as we don't want to, stress has already been a part of our everyday lives, and that alone could ruin the way we function as a normal human being. And worse, it could also ruin our relationships with other people AND OUR health if it wasnt dealt with properly.

I've researched online and I found out that there are lots of ways on how can we deal with stress. But I will only tackle the most important and the simplest things.

According to an online source, we can divide dealing with stress into 3 ways: First is LIFESTYLE CHANGE, second is through MENTAL ACTIVITIES, and the third, STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF.

Changing your lifestyle is an effective way in dealing with stress. Some of our stress was caused by stress hormones so we need to free ourselves from it. How? Here are the ways.
1. EXERCISE. Targeted exercise according to my source can increase the level of ENDORPHINES which is very responsible for our feeling of HAPPINESS. You may also try doing physical activities that you love like jogging, running, hiking, or even dancing. Exercise not only releases stress but can also improve your health.
2. GET ENOUGH SLEEP. Have you ever had those days when you wake up on what they call the "wrong side of the bed?" You open your eyes and you're already in a bad mood, isnt that stressful? And afterwards everything just happens the wrong way. That's cause you didn't get enough sleep. And if you dont have regular sleeping habits, the stress levels rise making you active and alert the whole night. Adults need at least 7-8 hours of sleep per night while children need 9-10 hours.
3. EAT PROPERLY. And by properly, I mean healthily. Decrease your caffeine intake because it is known to increase stress levels, so is alcohol. Switch into water therapy because a dehydrated body creates CORTISOL, a stress hormone. Eat a healthy breakfast and snacks during the day. And for a stress-free diet, consume more complex carbohydrates diet, food rich in Vitamin A, magnesium, and those that contain antioxidants.
4. LEARN TO RELAX. Relaxing your body can manage stress. Listen to calm music, get a massage, take a good bath, anything that is relaxing is a good stress reliever.

Stress isn't only caused by lifestyle or physical changes or events. Your mind can also create stress and so we need to treat it via mental activities.
First is to AVOID NEGATIVE THINKING. Say for example, you have a big exam coming. An entrance exam for a school you wish to be in. You prepared for it, studied hard for it but your mind just wont let you think positively. You think "what if the questions were too hard for me to answer? What if everything I studied werent actually part of the test? What if I get there late? WHAT IF I DONT PASS?" By those questions, you were already thinking negatively. And as you think that way, you lose focus. You get nervous. You get stressed. What you should do is to stop those negative thoughts. If something bad happens, dont dwell on it. Think of the positive things as well. Always say something good or nice to yourself as soon as you wake up every morning. Just be positive.

Next is ORGANIZING YOUR LIFE. Set goals you need to achieve everyday but know your limits. Don't set a goal that would be above your capabilities. Be realistic. Write a "to do list." Do the most difficult tasks first while you are still fresh and energized. By organizing everything, you'd take control of your time and priorities thus decreasing the level of stress that you may encounter.

Another is IDENTIFYING THE THINGS THAT PUT YOU UNDER STRESS. By doing this, you can calmly prepare yourself from the upcoming stress. You can find ways to avoid it or deal with it, you may rehearse, picture in your mind how you are going to overcome such situations.

You should also STOP WORRYING ABOUT THE THINGS THAT CANNOT CHANGE. According to my source, "This especially comes with things such as politics, and often applies to other individuals. Learning to accept things as they are is an important coping mechanism, but not as easy as it sounds." Admitting to yourself that there's nothing you can do about a particular issue will go a long way in helping you adjust.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MAKING YOUR LIFE WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE. Decide for your own. Acting on the decisions of others is already stressful enough. Learn to say "NO" if you are not comfortable about something. Do not beat yourself with your failures. Understand that sometimes we lose some. Resist the urge to be perfect because perfectionism can cause huge amounts of stress. LOVE YOURSELF. Loving yourself will ease the anxious question "AM I GOOD ENOUGH?" and replace it with "I KNOW I AM GOOD ENOUGH."

DEVELOP A SENSE OF HUMOR. Laugh a lot. See the humor in life's situations. See the humor in stress. Learn to laugh at yourself instead of lashing your self-esteem. You know how they say "LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE?" You bet it is!
And of course, never forget to LEAN ON YOUR FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES. Talking to them, telling them about the things that stresses you will help you relieve it. Keeping things with yourself, bottling everything up will cause more. Your friends and loved ones will be there to help you go through a stressful situation, so ask them for help. Surrounding yourself with positive people will help you avoid stress.

That's just about dealing stress with mental activities. Always remember that a sound mind is a sound body.

The last one is STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF. This is most likely the same with mental activities but with more conviction regarding what you feel. As what it suggests, you need to learn to stand up for yourself. If you are not feeling okay and some people bother you, tell them how you feel. Let them know the state you are in. That alone can help you avoid being in a more stressful situation. And lastly, get something that will help you relieve your stress, like a stress ball or a fidget spinner. Get a punching bag if you could, or go somewhere you can yell as loud as you can. That way, you will be able to express your stress and then allow your body to relax after.

So if you ever find yourself in a stressful situation, or if stress has been preventing you to function normally, just take note of everything I have said. Nothing is better than living your life free of stress. You'd do your work better, you'd have better relationships with everyone, you'd be able to excel in school, and most of all, you'd look radiant and younger than your actual age. Who wouldnt want that, right?

6.32

I'm tired to be the one who's always asking how everyone's doing.

I have no one.
I always try to be the shoulder to lean on, but at times like this, whose shoulder I'm gonna lean on to?

:(

Fucks abt Me

Fact #1462737377484

I love looking at old photos of dead people. Those that are called "Memento Mori," or "Recuerdo/s de patay," "Post-mortem photography."

There is always the uneasiness, the anxiety, or the "chills running down the spine" as I look at them but there is also the satisfaction, the amazement, the awe. Andun yung pakiramdam na parang nandun ka mismo sa loob ng litrato. And I love the feeling of nostalgia it gives me. It has always been a dream, a wonder, how it felt like living in the late centuries.

Old photos are amazing in general. :)

Draft. Cut.

It has been a decade since I first cut. I was depressed, I felt alone, and I dont understand how empty I have been feeling. Saw a blade, took it, and the thought just briefly crossed my mind "how would it feel if I cut myself?"
And before I could think rationally, I was already slicing open my left arm. And when it was over, I couldnt count the number of cuts I made. I felt relieved. I felt light. But I felt scared at the same time. I was confronted by the fact that "no normal people would harm themselves." I didnt know anything then. I didn't know what mental illness is. I just knew what i felt; the sadness, the emptiness, the suicide ideation, the intrusive toughts and I knew I have to make myself feel better. And cutting made me feel better.

I hid it from my family. But it was hard. Living in a tropical country, you can't use long sleeves all the time. My father saw them. So did my mom. The first words to escape from my father's lips were "are you on drugs?" I said no. I didnt explain why I did that. Because, how? How would you explain to someone or make them understand how physical pain can make you feel better? Because at that time, I didnt even know exactly how that happens. They told me never to do that again. I was still a kid back then. So I did what I was told.

The depression never stopped though. And as much as I wanted another relief, I just cant do it. So I tried sucking it up. Tried everything to make the "sadness" go away, and everything that comes with it. But it doesn't. It stayed. And every time it stays, it gets worse. Sucking it up was hard. I wish spitting it out was an option.

When I was in college, I was no longer stable. Depression invited its friends; Anxiety, Panics, Anger, and who knows what else. Everything just went downhill. My studies were affected. I transferred schools twice, until I no longer wanted to go. I quit college.

During one of my college days, there was a time when I could no longer hold it in. I knew I have to do it. Make myself feel better. Get ahold of my emotions. Take over. Take control. And again, I took the needle of a syringe and slash it a lot of times across my arm. I could feel the same sting, the same feeling of relief. I felt better. I no longer tried hiding it from my family. My classmates thought it was weird. They called me "emo." I didnt care. It was what made me feel better, it was what kept me alive. My survival was my priority. So I ignored everything they said. I ignored every smirk, every offensive comments, every laugh they threw at me. I needed this. They wouldn't understand, they weren't in my shoes. They weren't the ones fighting a battle you can't win. They don't see my demons, couldn't hear, and sure as hell don't know how it was breaking me apart.

I live in a country where "everyone is happy." No matter what the situation people are in, they always have this "happy go lucky" attitude. Always being positive about things. People in my country always have that smile plastered in their faces. So the stigma regarding mental illness is high. When you are down, you are expected to laugh it all off and you'll feel better. Not slice your arms or anywhere in your body.

Since then, I never stopped cutting. It has become a habit. An addiction. I cut when I'm depressed, and I even cut without any reason besides just wanting to cut. I have scars everywhere. I once tried stopping it. Counted the days I was clean, set goals, and rewarded myself whenever I reach them. But then I'd relapse, and think of the whole counting as bullshit. What's the point of counting if I'd just go back to doing it every fucking time. Everything felt like it was just worthless.

I thought I was the only one in the whole world doing it. Until a few years back when I've learned about mental illnesses, and cutting, and everything that I realized that I wasn't alone. That i wasnt the only one fighting a war with myself. And though that was a sad thing, I felt happy a bit. I met a lot of people with the same condition. People who I could relate to, people who could understand me. I have gained friends. And we helped each other out. And that was one of the best things to come out of this.

Am I worth it?

Think about the times when you did anything and everything for someone,
when youve bawled your eyes out for them,
the times when youve sacrificed a lot for them even if they hurt you,
because you love them and they're worth it.

Are they?

Tttttt

I miss you beside me on nights like this. Nakakalungkot. :(

Need me?

My boyfriend doesn't rely on me much. I think. I mean, that's how it feels, and that's how I see it.

I wanna be there for him, too.
Whenever something goes wrong, I want him to talk to me about it
I want him to talk to me about the things that bother him
I want him to tell me straightaway how his day had been. Yung siya na mismo ang magkukwento at hindi ko na kailangang magtanong
I want him to tell me anything that makes him happy, anything that makes him sad, anything. I want his secrets, his dreams, his nightmares, and realities.

Alam ko, I am difficult to talk to at times. That's probably the reason kung bakit hindi siya nagkukwento saken.
It's all my fault.

But I want him to need me
I want him to rely on me
I wanna make him feel better, too if he's had a bad day

I wanted us to be more than just
"how are you,"
"how was your day,"
"kumain ka na ba,"
"Di ka pa ba matutulog,"
"I miss you,"
"I love you."

I wanted more than that.
Nakakakungkot.

Confession #1317285252738383

I am a victim of a sexual abuse.

She.

As much as she makes me feel alive, she only wants to die. Her life is dark, and to her, I am the only light.
I am her shoulder to cry on, her emergency room, her only lifeline.

3ggurd si acoe

Been wanting to cut these past few days but tried not to succumb to the urge. Day by day, I'm trying not to lose it. And just when I'm starting to believe I am strong, you just pulled the trigger.

!

MY Top Alesana Songs

I was making a list of my top 10 songs of every band I like and when it was Alesana's turn, I couldn't put anything in my list. Gawd I love every single song of them that I can't choose anything :O

MY Top MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE Songs

10. Helena
9. I'm not Okay
8. The Ghost of You
7. The Only Hope for Me is You
6. Cemetery Drive
5. Disenchanted
4. Drowning Lessons
3. Thank You for the Venom
2. Early Sunsets Over Monroeville
1. The World is Ugly

❤

Your words don't matter

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipaliliwanag ang mga bagay-bagay sa utak ko nang hindi nagmumukhang masama.

Ginagawa ko naman ang lahat para maging magaan ang mga pag uusap ng mga problema nang hindi dinadaan sa galit o ano pa man pero wala pa rin. Ako pa rin yung masama sa huli. Ako pa rin yung nagdudulot nang away kahit hindi naman yun yung intensyon ko.

Paano nalang mabibigyan nang linaw ang lahat nan nasa utak ko kung hindi mapag uusapan ng maayos.

Oo may sorry.
Pero sa part ko, kailangan kong sabihin lahat
Kailangan kong ipaliwanag
Kailangan kong bigyang linaw ang mga bumabagabag sa isip ko.

Kung maling gawin yun, patawad.
Sa susunod, titikom nalang ako.
Shut up nalang sabi nga ni daniel padilla.
Ha ha ha.

Sorry

Sorry if I ruin everything
Sorry if naooffend ako agad
Sorry if I take things seriously/personally
Sorry for being this way
Sorry for being like me
Sorry you'rr stuck with me

Test

Testo.

Too much

I wonder what I make you feel when my name pops up on your inbox sending you random messages, or when you hear the ringing tone you have assigned for me, waking you up in the morning

I wonder what I make you feel when we talk about every random thing we think of, sharing silly laughters, oblivious of the people around us

I wonder what I make you feel when you see me from a distance after a week or two of not seeing each other or if our plans of meeting up got cancelled because of work

I wonder what I make you feel when I give you love letters or if I dedicate you songs and poetry

I wonder what I make you feel whenever I put my arms around your neck or waist for a tight hug

I wonder what I make you feel during those under-the-stars kisses, or the little gestures you do, patting my head, holding my hand while walking, with the sands of the beach beneath our feet

I wonder what I make you feel when my body touches yours, when I breathe in your sweaty skin, biting your stiff shoulders, your lips tracing my naked soul

I wonder what I make you feel when you don't feel me
Because you make me feel too much. Even without doing anything.

Ika-trenta

It started out as a secret. Nobody except us knew about us. And then other people started knowing about it. One, two, until it became a dozen or probably more. It's still a secret we keep with the right people. And we believe we don't need the whole world to know. We just have to prove for each other the love that we have, and with a few backing us up, that is more than enough.

But I guess a little shoutout to the world won't hurt. Just wanna let everyone know how much you made and is still making me happy. And I love you. Is that okay? ;)

9.50 PM/10.50 AM

Yung magkalayo na nga, muntanga pa rin :)
But this is one of the things I miss about us.
Being silly together. I wish we'd be together again soon.

I'm okay being hurt

It sucks. Sucks na ikaw lang yung laging mali. Or yung mali mo lang ang nagiging basehan ng pagkatao mo. It sucks and it hurts too much.

Deceit

I though it was okay to be yourself and let everyone love you as you are, faults and all.
Akala ko okay lang na ipakita sa kanila ang totoong ikaw. Na okay lang to bare your soul sa taong akala mo mapagkakatiwalaan mo.

Pero hindi. It's not okay. Sa una siguro they will tell you things like they'll accept you as you are. Sa una kaya nilang tanggapin kung sino ka. Kaya nilang dalhin o dumamay kahit kalahati lang ng bigat na iyong dinadala. Pero habang tumatagal, the more you lay yourself bare, they slowly look the other way. Unti-unti silang bibitaw. Unti-unti nilang marerealise na mali pala ang pagtanggap na inukol nila.

Hanggang sa dumating ang araw na they had completely understood that you are not the one they really wanted. Na nagkamali lang pala sila sayo. Na hindi ka pala katanggap-tanggap para sa kanila.

So they leave.
They always leave.
Especially at times when you are too ugly and awful and horrible to go on, at the worst times of your life, that's when the leave you the most because that's when they realize that your flaws are the only thing that makes you you. That your ugliness is the only thing that they see.

People don't actually accept other people that easily. Even if you do it to them, they won't do it for you in return. Unfair, right?

So. No. Letting someone in in your life and letting them know everything about you is never a good idea. People only know how to deceive. You should learn that, too.

Doom

I'm done with treating people with kindness. Tapos nako sa paulit-ulit na pagpapatawad tuwing sasaktan ka nila. Tapos na ako sa paulit-ulit na pagtanggap tuwing babalik sila. Tapos na ako sa mga iyon.

Kung pagod na sila, fine. Pagod na rin ako. Anong silbi ng patuloy mong pakikipaglaban kung sila mismo isinuko ka na. Isinuko na, isinuka pa.

Hindi naman siguro masamang unahin muna ang sarili bago sila kahit minsan lang.