Isyu.

Mahal pa rin naman kita. Pero saka na ulit. Pag okay na.

There are a lot of things I need to say sorry about.

I'm sorry if I always tease you about your personal issues.
But I'm not sorry for pointing it out. I guess I just want you to get used to it so it will hurt less the next time.

I'm sorry for joking about having an 'affair' with your friend. I'm sorry I didn't realise it hurt you. I'm sorry for being oblivious about how you felt about it.
But it's not entirely my fault, is it? You just made a big deal out of it. I thought we were cool. And then you just stopped talking which I hated the most. And I'm not sorry for being hurt about how you held your silence. If the things I said hurt you, then your silence hurt me, too.

I'm sorry for saying I'd get naked if Shawn from Alesana (i'm not sure if it's shawn) screamed at me. It was also meant as a joke. I was just thinking how you hurt me when you snapped at me. And I don't like it. And well, Shawn is a part of a screamo band, so I thought their shoutin is cool rather than hurtful.

I'm sorry for everything I have said up til now.
Like I said, I thought everythin is cool.
I am sarcastic. I joke about everything. I joke randomly, meaning sometimes, the things I say just comes up in random, without ever having to think about it. I guess, you could say that I'm tactful.

But that doesn't mean every joke should mean something. Especially the ones that hurt you. Because WHY WOULD I EVEN WANT TO HURT YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE?

You always say I don't trust you.
I could say the same about you. You don't trust me as well that you even take those jokes seriously.

I'm sorry for those things I said in the past. And everything that I will say in the future. I'm sorry for talking.

I love you. But I'm hurting right now, too.
You just kinda told me in a 'subtle' way how horrible I am.

Sorry. Me and my big mouth, huh.

9:38

Being sick and still go to work isn't actually me at all.
Have I changed?

Panata

No more counting of days clean.
Because,

there'd forever be none.

XXX

I wonder why I am still alive.

R

I need to start not giving a fuck about everything people say.


Especially those people who are close to me.

Random

Asssfgjlf''gkska'xxbddiwjdhislcbhdiwydyoxlbfdjddhdksjshdhxyudnfhdjnfidjeguwhhfbfkclgsbkskfjbfkdkfjfkdiidifkfjfjfkffjfjdjwuwiqqowwlelzjvxvxjfjeebfuwoguslhdhdlwlhfbcjeurrjcyiriguyh!!!!!!!!!


Can't express myself.

2:21

I could say I was blessed. I have my music, my passion for writing, and drawing. I'm blessed for having good people whom I could talk to, and even if I don't talk, they notice. They always notice when I am being distant and not with myself. They always notice when I am depressed and there are a few who catch me even before I hit rock bottom.

I self harm. And I consider this being blessed as well. Even if I constantly wanna mutilate (forgive the word) myself, it still helps me get back to reality. The reality of not wanting to die. The reality of wanting to survive no matter how painful life is.

I'm blessed for being strong. For not letting all the suicidal thoughts get the best of me. I was envious of all the people who had successfully committed suicide for the courage they have into leaving everything behind. But that shouldn't be the case. I should be thankful I am still here, alive. Depressed, anxious, thinking life is always gonna be hard, but alive. I should be blessed I have this life and nothing more. Not anyone gets a chance to live and experience every hardships and failure and still stand.

Everything will suck but at the end of the day, there will still be that helping hand waiting for you at home, there will still be that tap on the back saying you did well at work, there will still be that friendly hugs, moonlight kisses and cuddles under warm sheets. There will still be that love and hope surrounding us making sure we don't bail out of life.

xx

...

TO DO LIST:

Play with fairies.
Grow angel wings.
Braid the hair of a mermaid.
Fly to the moon.
Ride a unicorn.

I FUCKING miss YOU.

Paano mo kakalimutan ang isang taong ni minsan ndi naman nawala sa isip mo?














































Namimiss na kita ng sobra.

Pissed

Pag ako tuluyang nawala at umiyak kayo, PAGTATAWANAN KO KAYONG LAHAT MULA SA IMPYERNO!

Malakas an loob niyo kasi alam niyong hindi ko kayang gawin.
Na hanggat kaya ko, hindi ako mang iiwan.
Pero lahat ng bagay may hangganan.

Malay niyo, dumating bigla ang araw na iyon para sa'kin.
Kaya bago ako mawala:

PUTANG INA NIYONG LAHAT!
MGA SHIT KAYO!
FUCK YOU!

9:54

"Nagsusugat ka pa ba?"

Nakakabiglang tanong.
I was caught off guard.
Halos makalimutan ko na na nasabi ko rin pala sa'yo ang bagay na un.
Halos makalimutan ko na na minsan at patuloy pa rin pala kitang nagiging sandalan tuwing may problema o malungkot ako.
Halos makalimutan ko na na minsan mo akong inalalayan sa naturang adiksyon kong ito..
Halos makalimutan ko na na kahit kailan hindi ako nakarinig nan kahit isang sermon mula sa'yo tungkol sa pagsusugat ko.
Na wala kang ibang ginawa kundi sabihing huwag ko lang lalaliman ang pagsusugat para hindi ako mapahamak.

Hindi mo man sabihin alam kong mas nasasaktan ka tuwing nasasaktan ako
Mas nalulungkot ka tuwing nalulungkot ako
Kung ano man ang nararamdaman ko, doble ang epekto sa'yo.

Kaya patawad.
Patawad sa minsang pagkalimot.

Li.

My story isn't over yet ;
I am the author ;
And I am writing my life ;


And I choose to include you.

3:23

I WISH I AM KISSING YOU INSTEAD OF MISSING YOU !
Photo Credits: I.D.P.

Today,

My self-esteem is down. Like, nada.

Sakal?

Kasal.
Para sa akin, SAKAL.
Araw kung kailan ikaw ay mamamaalam na sa iyong pagiging malaya.
Yung tipong dati kakain ka ng mag isa, mamamasyal ng mag-isa, natutulog mag isa.
Pero pag ikinasal ka, may makakasama ka na sa mga bagay na dati mong ginagawa ng mag isa.
Wala nang privacy kumbaga.
May tali nang nagbubuklod sa inyo.
May tali na sa leeg mo.

Pero ganun pa man, mukha namang masayang may makatuwang sa buhay.
May sasalo sa iyo sa pagkain, may yayakap sa iyong pagtulog, may pupunas ng iyong luha, may makakausap, may makakapiling sa bawat saya.

At higit sa lahat, may aalalay na sa iyong bawat paghakbang sa ano mang lakad ng buhay.

Let's talk.

It seemed like the talks are gettin less and less. I don't want us to stop talkin. Because that would mean it'd be the end for us. It'd be the end of us.

And I don't want that to happen.

Capture this.

I want to take a photo of us.

I want to take a photo of us laughing, talking, kissing, hugging or holding hands.

I want to capture that moment when you play with my hair, or when I tease you about how cute your chin is.

I want tangible memories of us walking in the sand while the sun sets.

I want to collect those little moments and compile it in an album. So there'd be somethin to let us remember when we try to forget.

But I can only take a blurry photo of you. And you can only take a photo of me when you thought I wasn't looking. 

And I wonder when will these photos be put as one? When will we be free to take photos without the need to consider other people? When will we take pictures of us together ?