Iyak.

Magtatapos na nga lang ang taon pero puro iyak ako lately. Everything's utterly depressing. Every time I wake up in the middle of the night, alone, in my small unit, away from my family, all I could picture was myself hanging from the ceiling.

And all I could do was cry.
What am I still here for? :(

Wtf do you want me to do?

Hindi ko gets kung bakit.
I am working hard, probably even harder than most, I am doing my best, I am trying to change for the better, to learn how to stand up on my own two feet, to achieve more than what I think I can...
But nothing pays off.

Only disappointments.
And failures.

So paano? Ano nalang ang gagawin ko?

Should I just really freakin give this fucking life up? I am almost done with everything.

You don't give a shit, you don't try hard, of course nothing will happen
You give everything, you try hard pero wala pa ring nangyayari.

Samantalang yung iba wala pa silang ginagawa lahat nan blessings meron na agad sila.

Parang nakakaloko, nakakatanga, nakakagago puta.

I hate this, i hate me, i hate this life. Fuck everyone!

Random fucks about me

I love mismatched socks. 💕

But then the truth about it is I am just lazy looking for the ones that match. I don't know why they always seem to disappear so all I have are different pairs but no biggie. I love it x)

What is a life worth living?

It's been raining for almost a week now. I know it's tag-ulan na but we haven't had this much rain for a bit longer now. Ngayon lang ulit yung halos araw-araw na ngang umuulan, maghapon pa. Nonstop.

And with the weather and all, I've been feeling incredibly sad, and hopeless, and restless, and anxious. Everyday is just "same shit;different day."

I haven't been really living these past few weeks. It's been months even. I just go with whatever life has to offer for me. Which isn't that much to be honest.

I wake up, go over the same routine the rest of the day (chores, play games, watch movies or series, sleep, then repeat it the next day) It's probably ideal for some, but really, this isn't a life worth living.

I can't even do the things I needed to do. Can't get a passport, can't get a real job. These things require money and I ain't got that. I'm tired of so many debts and loans piling up. It doesn't lessen. It just grows and grows and grows. It's suffocating.

This isn't a life worth fucking living.

Dream Wedding 💕

If I'd be given the chance to have a beautiful wedding, I'd love it to be Vintage-themed.

Something out of the 40s through the 60s.
We'd dance to Frank Sinatra's Fly Me to the Moon or Nat King Cole's L. O. V. E.
We'd kick our heels to Elvis Presley's rock and roll songs.
Every picture and video of us would be in black and white.
And I may not be pretty but I hope to be as beautiful as Audrey Hepburn when the day comes.

It would be a wonderful occasion for singing and dancing. Everything would be merry. Such a wondrous occasion I also long to experience. Hehe.

Hopefully.💕

Be Your Own Person

Be your own person. Wag kang gaya-gaya. Ipakita mo kung ano ka talaga, and be proud of it. If you're weird, stay weird. Eccentric? Go ahead. Wala silang paki.

Kesa naman nakikigaya ka, dahil ano? Dahil yun ang sikat, dahil yun ang in. Para ano? Para sikat ka rin, para in ka rin.

Pa-cool pero hindi naman totally cool.
Alam mo kung bakit? Kasi wala kang distinct personality.

Wala man lang magdedefine sayo as ikaw mismo. Na kapag tinanong ng iba kung sino ka, sasabihin nila "sino yun? Di ko maalala." Paano ka nga maaalala kung otsenta porsyento ng papulasyon ng mundo ehh katulad mo?

Wala kang impact sa mga taong nakakasalamuha mo. Kasi kaparehas ka ng lahat. Walang personalidad. Sa madaling salita, B O R I N G ka.

At pagdating sa lablayp, pag gusto kang iwan, iiwan ka. I mean, bakit hindi di ba? Kung katulad ka rin lang naman ng iba. Ang dami niyo, nagkalat. Madali lang pumulot ng ipapalit sa'yo. Higit sa lahat, walang ala-alang magsasalba sa relasyon niyo. Eh pano, mediocre ng memories niyo ehh. Kayang kayang gawin ng iba, kayang kayang gawin sa iba. Pare-parehas lang naman kasi. Sunod sa uso, sunod sa yapak ng ibang tao.

Sabi nga ni Haruki Murakami (look him up kung di mo siya kilala,) "If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking."

Kaya be different. At wag kang mahiya.
Pero kung hindi ka talaga iba, ehh mag isip-isip ka na.

Half awake

Between sleep and wake, there is a vast emptiness.









































And there is you.

Hindi ang Kabataan ang Pag-asa ng Bayan

Sa panahon ngayon, kung sino pa ang matatanda, sila pa ang baluktot mag isip. Gone are the days when the elders only teach us about respect, humility, and becoming hard working. Remember nung mga panahon when our lolos and lolas would pinch us kapag nagsalita tayo sa hapag? Because they say it's a sign of disrespect. Nung mga panahong they would tell you na wag sasabat pag may kausap sila, and when you do, you get scolded. Nung mga panahong tinuturuan tayo kung paano magpakumbaba, "pag binato ka ng bato, batuhin mo ng tinapay." Remember? That seemed so long ago.

Dahil ang mga matatanda ngayon, aminin man natin o hindi, they no longer teach us those. Anong ginagawa nila? They argue in front of us over a little piece of land. They smoke and they drink and they gamble and they show tyranny. They condone the wrong doings of their children. They commit adultery in broad daylight. They are GREEDY, AND LUSTFUL, AND PROUD, AND ENVIOUS, AND LAZY, AND ANGRY.

So we, children, become those as well. Nagtataka kayo kung bakit maraming kabataan na sa murang edad kayang pumatay, magnakaw, mang-rape, mahilig makipag away, mayabang, atbp? Because they were misguided by elders, they've seen what the elders do. Kaya bago tayo magtaka, why not take the time to look at ourselves in the mirror. Ask ourselves what we have been doing for them children to turn out that way. Imbes na husgahan natin ang bawat isa, bakit hindi natin isipin na baka isa pala tayo sa mga dahilan kung bakit may mga gyera?

Things have changed big time, but we're making these changes WORSE. Maybe it's time we change for the better. Bring back the RESPECT, HUMILITY, and HARDWORK our great great great grandparents had been teaching us. Once we do, I guess the rest of the good things will come after.

Do not soil your children further. Hindi ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan. Kayong mga magulang ang maggagabay sa kanila, kayo ang pag-asa para sa mas magandang kinabukasan. Wag kayong masyadong umaasa sa mga sinabi ni Rizal. Patay na siya ano ba.

L. O. V. E.

When you fall in love with someone, you don't only fall for that person. You also fall in love with his eyes lovingly telling you the words that mouths couldn't speak, with his lips pressed unto yours, the sound of his voice that always feels like home, with his arms around you gently squeezing on your ribcage, with his beauty, with his soul.

But then again, you don't only fall in love with these things as well. You also fall in love with the places you both went to, the streets you walked on, with the movies you watched, the music you constantly listen to. You fall in love with every cafe, with every food, with every flowers he had given you. You fall in love with his family, with his home, every corner of his room.

You fall in love with his laughs and his frowns, with his strengths and his weaknesses, with all his flaws.

And when you fall in love with everything, you become a bit selfish. You'd wish you'd own them, him, his family, every places, every movie and music, you wish you'd both be the only ones who would own every memory you created. But that won't be possible. A lot of people would go to the places you both love, millions will listen and watch your favorite music and movies. And he; you only hold a piece of him. And he was a thousand pieces held by thousands of people he meets.

You could fall in love with one person and fall in love with everything about him at the same time but you could never own a single thing. So fall in love with your arms and palms wide open. For when it's time a little something have to be let go, it would soar freely into a place where it's supposed to be.

18.16.05

Nagkuwento siya. He told me na there was a time when he kind of woke up in the middle of the night. He looked at me sleeping by his side and had this passing thought na he didn't wanna go through life without me.

He, who rarely talk about his feelings, or anything na naiisip niya about me, would suddenly tell me such things, it gives off a warm feeling, and at the same time, it pains me. Dahil napakaselfish ko. Here's a guy saying life wouldn't be the same without me, and here I am, constantly contemplating how miserable and worthless my life is, constantly planning how I'd end it, constantly feeling suicidal.

I never thought my worthless existence would have a huge impact on someone else's life.

18.28.05

What did I ever do for you?
What did you ever do for me?

Buloy

"Akala ko pa naman na marunong kang magdala
Nalaman ko nalang na ika'y nagpakamatay na."
- Buloy, Parokya ni Edgar 1996

Wag kayong puro akala na porke strong siya di na niya kailangan ng kahit sino. Na porke siya ang sandalan mo, akala mo hindi na siya nabibigatan. Madalas selfish tayo. Pag nahihirapan, tatakbo sa kung sinong pwedeng malapitan pero pag okay ka na, yung tinakbuhan mo, natanong mo man lang ba kung kumusta?

So many "Buloys" out there. Check on them, too.

Happy Birthday, babe 🎂

Hi babe. Every day, lagi akong thankful na nandito ka. That you exist. Every day, lagi akong masaya to have met you. You being born is one of thw greatest things I will always be thankful for, and yung makilala ka lang, you as an amazing person, is already an added bonus.

It sucks to think na hindi kita makasama ngayong birthday mo. We won't be able to go out and celebrate like we used to, I won't be able to give you little notes or drawings, but it sucks even more thinking what if I hadn't met you; I won't be able to experience happiness in its real sense, I won't be able to want to become the best version of myself, I won't be able to overcome and face the things I have been putting off at the back of my mind, I won't be able to go places and enjoy the little things.

So baby, thank you. Simply for being alive. And I hope you enjoy this day kahit ano pa ang maging outcome. I hope you'll be able to do the things you've wanted to do for your birthday kahit hindi ako ang kasama mo. I hope you'll be happy. And higit sa lahat, I hope maging thankful ka rin na nandito ka ngayon sa mundo, living, and breathing. I love you always. 💕

12.25

No one really ever asks me if I am okay. Not even the people who claim they care for me.

421

Let's see if you remember.

40th.

Edit: HE DID. I'm happy 💕

Tumblr days

I love my tumblr friends. Some of them I no longer talk to much but I still appreciate them. During my tumblr days, and even now of course, they were always there ready to give a hand, comfort, and help you with anything. They're one of the most sincerest, kindest, and most thoughtful people I've known.

💕

the suicide experience

At this month 2 years ago, I've had my first suicide attempt. It was weird to have done it impulsively since I've been carefully planning how I'd would want to go. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing and at the back of my mind I was hoping and saying "eto na yun."

It was an awful experience. Yung sa ER palang, maririnig mo yung mga bulungang "naglaslas daw," sabay tawa. I was crying the whole time; papuntang hospital, habang tinatahi yung mga sugat, hanggang sa pag uwi, I was crying. Even the next day I've cried non stop. Pakiramdam ko kulang yung mahigit isang araw na pag iyak. I have never cried so hard until that day. And it felt like it was the very natural thing to do after you've just tried to take your own life.

I was on suicide watch for a few weeks. Even after I went back to work and things seemed to have gone back to normal, whenever I close the door to my room, my mom would always knock minutes after just to check if I was doing okay.

On the other hand, it may have done something good. My parents understood that what I was dealing with was not something "guni-guni," o "nasa utak lang." They were able to deal with my self-harming without the constant nagging and preaching na kulang daw ako sa dasal. For the first time I was able to share my pain with the people I am supposed to share it with. For the first time I wasn't scared to tell them how fucking depressed I have always been. I cried for me. They cried with me.

I haven't changed. Two years after and I am still the same suicidal, depressed fuck. I am still a freaking mess. But that is fine. My suicide ideations will never get the best of me. I no longer feel scared kasi alam kong my family will always be there for me. And also my friends, and my boyfriend who never fails to make me feel better. Kahit na madalas pakiramdam ko I do not deserve all these, that they're better off without me, I knew one day I'd be able to make myself feel and believe that I am very much loved by the people who see me for me, imperfections and all.

I'm still here, it's not much of me but I am still alive, FIGHTING, and; you'd definitely still see me tomorrow. xx

The glory of body washing

I had the shortest, sweetest bath ever. For three days I wasn't able to wash because of the flu (not that I am fond of bathing heh) but right now was amazing.

The warm water washing my nakedness and the dandruffs was just breathtaking. Literally breathtaking because I was actually exhausting myself even with the simplest movements. I wasn't all that well, yet after all. The whole 10-minute bath left me huffing and puffing.

I hoped it washed away the fever, too. Although I doubt that because now, I feel worse than I ever did the last three days. Ugh.

Psh

I listened to my boyfriend go on and on about the places he wanted to live in. Masaya kasi it just goes to show that he have good plans for himself. Nakakalungkot lang that he never mentioned me, not even once, kung kasali ba ako sa mga planong yun.

It's fine. Pero di lang maiwasang malungkot pa rin. Hehe.

Less hope 2

I feel worthless. Umaasa sa mga tao, sa pera nila. Pag di ka naman umasa sa kanila, wala ring mangyayari. I am so pathetic. Nakakaasar. I feel hopeless na. Di ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko. I'd rather die kesa paulit ulit umaasa na may mangyayaring matino sa buhay ko only to be disappointed ng paulit-ulit. Hays. Ayaw ko na lumaban. :(

Ka Andres to Ka Oryang

Because it's Valentine's Day, gusto kong ibahagi the sweetest love letter ever written. This was Andres Bonifacio's letter to Ka Oryang.

1897 Mayo 1

Mahal kong Oryang,

Mali ka. Hindi kita nakasalubong upang sa dulo ng kalsada, ako ay liliko sa kanan at ikaw sa kaliwa. Sapagkat saan man tayo dalhin ng ating pakikibaka, ikaw lang ang aking itatangi at makailang ulit na ihaharap sa pulang bandila.

Hindi tayo nagpalitan ng mga kwento upang sa pinakahuling tuldok ng pangungusap, ang karugtong ay alingawngaw ng katahimikan. Walang pagod kitang aawitan ng imnong pambayan, Oryang. Hindi kailanman ako mauubusan ng salita upang maialay sa iyo bilang mga tula. Maging ang bulong at buntung-hininga'y magpapahayag ng pagsinta sa tulad mong umiibig din sa bansa.

Hindi tayo sabay na tumawa, nagkatinginan, at tumawa pa nang mas malakas, upang sa paghupa ng halakhak ay may butil ng luha na mamimintana sa ating mga mata. Loobin man ng Maykapal na pansamantala tayong magkawalay, tandaan mong ang halakhak at sigaw ng ating mga kasamahan ay sa akin rin. Hindi ka dapat masabik sa akin sapagkat ako'y mananatili sa iyong piling.

Hindi kita niyakap nang ilang ulit upang sa pagkalas ng mga braso ko sayo ay maramdaman mong iniiwan kita. Habambuhay akong magiging tapat sa ating panata, Oryang. Kapara ng binitawan kong sumpa sa ngalan ng bayan, tayo'y mananatiling katipun, kawal, at bayani ng ating pagmamahalan.

Hindi tayo bumuo ng mga alaala sa umaga, tanghali at gabi upang sa muli mong paggising ay maisip mong hindi tayo nagkasama sa pakikidigma. Hindi ko man hawak ang bukas, nais kong tanganan mo ang aking pangako na ilang ulit kong pipiliing mabuhay at pumanaw upang patunayan sa iyong mali ka. At kung magkataong ako'y paharapin sa ating anak na si Andres, buo ang loob kong haharap sa kanya at sasabihin ko sa kanyang mali ka.

Hindi ako bumati sa simula upang sa huli ay magpaalam.



Ikaw ang aking bayan,
Andres

Di pa tapos

Hindi ikaw yung tipo ng lalaking mag oorder ng isang dosenang bulaklak para sorpresahin ako, at hindi rin naman ako yung tipo ng babaeng mahilig sa mga ganung gimik, not that I am worth surprising with a dozen of flowers over, hell I thought it was corny and you knew that. Nakailang monthsary na nga ba tayo, ni walang kahit isang bulaklak man lang ng kalabasa.

But, it was fine. You knew I didn't like corny things. And when you found out that I wanna be treated like every other girl, too, no matter how corny it was, you showered me with roses. And that was fine, too. Sweet even. You always go out of your way to do the things that would make us happy. I remember that one Valentines day which I will regret over and over, the one I ruined because of my overly messed up brain. Yung malalaman ko nalang na may nakahanda ka palang surprise. Which to be honest I didn't ever expect kasi nga we don't do surprises. I felt awful that day, until now.

So you see, we weren't typical. We do shit differently. And I want us to stay that way. Every second spent with you is an adventure.

Tbc

To the you who's reading this;

When someone dies, aside from the good words and compliments thrown here and there for the dead, you'll hear a lot of "sayangs."

"Sayang hindi ko man lang nasabing mahal kita/kung gaano kita kamahal."
"Sayang hindi man lang tayo nagkita."
"Sayang hindi man lang tayo nagkausap."
"Sayang inuna ko yung galit/tampo ko."
"Sayang hindi man lang ako nakahingi ng tawad."
"Sayang..."

Sa dami ng sayang, ano kasing ginawa mo?

Time runs out. People leave, either for a while, for the longest time, or forever. Hindi habang buhay makakausap, makakasama, makikita mo yung mga taong mahahalaga sa'yo. One minute they are there, kausap mo, binubulyawan mo, nilalambing mo, sinasapak mo, and then the next, wala na.

Lahat tayo, we tend to take time and people for granted. Pag galit ka sa isang tao, pinapairal mo yung galit mo, yung pride mo. Imbes na yung oras na galit ka eh ginugol mo nalang sa pakikipagunawaan at pagpapatawad, but no. Pag mahal mo naman, madalas inaabuso mo yung pagmamahal nila, be it your family, friends, boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives. Ni hindi natin inaappreciate yung mga bagay na ginagawa nila para sa atin. Kasi at the back of our minds, alam nating andyan lang sila anytime. Andiyan lang sila pag gusto mo na silang kausapin ulit. Andiyan lang sila pag kailangan mo sila, andiyan lang sila, nakaantabay, naghihintay. But we never know what tomorrow or even today may bring. Limitado lang ang oras natin, at pwedeng maputol yun sa anu mang pagkakataon.

So instead of hating each other and throwing expletives at one another, kung may kagalit kayong kaibigan, kapamilya, ka-syota, why not forgive. Don't let your pride get in the way of happiness and making beautiful memories with them. It's better than spouting lots of "sayangs" when they're gone. Time is as much as precious as everything. Perhaps it may be the most precious of all. Tell everyone you care how much you love and appreciate them. Because who knows, baka bukas wala na sila. We should always keep that in mind.

So, if you're one of those people who have access to this blog, that means you're precious, I love you and I appreciate you. Thank you for being a part of this life. :)

Bossun

Been very emotional these past weeks, up to this day. I thought the changing of the year would eventually make me more hopeful and happy, and productive but no.

You're the only one who could keep me from my irrational thinking, when we talk, you make me happy I tend to forget all my worries. I don't mean we need to keep talking every minute, 24/7. That can't be possible. We have our own lives and I'm thankful enough for you being there when I needed you. It's enough that I get to taste a little of that happiness with you around.

Yea

Hi. Fuck you.

New Year, Same me

It's already 2018.

I thought it would be different.
I thought I'd be able to become positive about everything
But it's still the same.
I still feel sad over my life
I am a wreck
I feel conscious of my fat body
I don't have a job
I am still the same fucking useless I have always been.

I hate myself.