100

Always.

8:02

I feel so empty.
I need a long, tight hug. (._.)

I'm better off dead.

I feel so empty.

Pakiramdam ko kelangan kong paulit-ulit na humingi ng tawad sa pagiging ako.
Kelangan kong ihingi ng tawad ang buong pagkatao ko.
Kelangan kong ihingi ng tawad ang pananatili sa mundong ito.

Mas mabuti pa nga siguro kung wala nalan ako.
Pakiramdam ko naman, hindi yun kahit kelan magiging kawalan sa kahit sino.
Kahit pa sa'yo.

6:33

I feel so messed up.

123

Test.

Posted via Blogaway

Alas diyes ng gabi.

Yung mga taong mas gustong isuka ka kesa manatili pa rin sa tabi mo pag hindi ka na jila kayang buhatin o iangat.

Hindi naman kailangang mang iwan at bumalik lang pag okay na.

Hindi ba pwedeng kahit konting alalay lang? Yung kahit ako na lang ang magsasalba sa sarili ko basta alam kong andiyan ka pa rin. Handang umalalay pag kakailanganin ko nan tulong.

Pero hindi...
Kailangan ako lang.
Kailangan mang iwan.
Saka na lang babalik.
Pag okay na. Pag napagtagpi-tagpi na ulit ang mga nagkapirasong sarili.

Ganun na ba ako kahirap samahan para mabigatan ka kahit sa konting alalay lang?

Draft

[Trigger Warning]
[Rated SPG]

Ang hirap ipaintindi sa tao kung ano ka. Na hindi ka katulad nilang normal na kapag nasaktan, konting sorry lang, okay na agad. I know a lot of people think everything's just too easy. You get hurt, you get lonely, you fail, and then the next day, tapos na. Balik na sa dati. Masaya na ulit. But it was never like that for others. For people like me. And it's really hard to explain things that only a few can relate to. Pero gusto kong gawin to. Dahil gusto kong maintindihan ng lahat na hindi lahat ng tao kagaya niyo. That there are those who crumble easily. It's all up to you to broaden your understanding on things that are beyond your expectations.

1. I am not normal. It's a bit [shameful] to admit but I am NOT emotionally and mentally healthy.

2. I get depressed easily. I get depressed if the weather's gloomy, i get depressed if my parents fight, i get depressed if people look down on my capabilities, i get depressed by the little thibgs, i get depressed without any particular reason at all. I get depressed all the time.

3. I get anxieties, too. I don't just hop on the bus on my way to work. I have to make sure the bus is comfortable enough in order for me to not get anxious. I just don't go sa mga lugar na madaming tao or sobrang sikip o sobrang luwang. I have to prepare myself every time I do something that I think would make me feel anxious.

4. Whenever I feel anxious, i get so distressed. Nasusuka ako, naiihi, natatae, pakiramdam ko mauubusan ako ng hininga. And then panic comes after. I'd panic na baka masuka nga ako, maihi, matae, mawalan ng hininga. And once i get all panicky, it's hard to calm down.

5. My temper's always over the top. Maiksi lan din ang aking pasensya. When I am angry, I am definitely angry in every sense of the word. I could crush anything that's within reach. I could spit every explicit word there is in a dictionary. I could punch you, kick you, throw everything at you. I could eat you alive. Sometimes, the monster inside me scares me. I still havent figured out how to tame it.

6. I get suicidal thoughts every time. As in madalas. Sometimes, I think of acting on it. I'd very carefully plan it on my mind hanggang sa makumbinsi ko yung sarili ko na it's really the best thing to do. Minsan I do things on purpose, like wearing my earphones and put the volumes on full blast while walking along the street hoping I'd get hit by a bus or a truck or anything that would do the job. I do things that I think may endanger me. Minsan when I am too angry, I cut a lot. Hoping that my anger wiuld help me cut too deep. I have also thought of buying pills so I could overdose on 'em. But then, in the end, I'd still dont wanna do it. I'd still seek help. And conversations are the best therapy, in my opinion. So if I talk to you, please don't think I'm annoying. And if you do, dont let me know. I just need help.

7. Hindi madali para sa akin ang magtiwala. For me, it takes years and effort and you proving me na pagkatiwalaan kita. If I trust you, that doesn't mean I trust you fully. And every time you do things kahit ganu pa yan kaliit at kababaw na pwedeng makasakit saken, yung tiwala ko sayo nababawasan agad. And it would take me a lifetime again para paniwalaan ka ulit. Bakit?

8. Dahil madali lang akong masaktan. Pag nasaktan ako, maliit man o malaking bagay, parehas lang ang impact niyan saken. Parehong sobrang sakit. Konting bagay lang, I already feel too broken. That it would take time before I can heal. Kaya hindi uubra sa akin ang sorry lang. That I'd feel okay the next day. It might take days bago mawala un sakit. Some would take weeks. Yung iba, kahit umabot nan ilang taon na, hindi pa rin nawawala. Yung akala mo hindi na masakit, sa ibabaw lang pala naghilom yung sugat.

9. And when all those things happen, I harm myself. I cut my arms, my thighs, stomach area, etc. I'd pinch myself hard hanggang sa magkapasa pag nataon na hindi ako makapagsugat dahil lang nasa matao akong lugar o walang dalang blade. I feel relieved whenever I self-harm. Yung masakit, nagiging magaan. Yung lungkot, nababawasan ng konti. Yung panic at anxieties, nawawala. Nagkakaroon ako ng kontrol sa sarili kong pakiramdam. Nagkakaroon ako ng dahilan para yung emotional pain, maging physical nalan.

10. Kaya naman, every time, I'd ask for every one to handle me with care. And if you can't, just please UNDERSTAND. that I am not like you. That a simple bad could mean the worst for me. That a simple good could be something the best. Understand that if I dont feel ok today, dont expect me to be ok tomorrow or the next day. Let me pick my pieces up and put them back together. If you wanna help me, then please do so. Id appreciate it. But if you can't, just don't reject me. Any form of rejections are scary. I'd rather you say you'd wait until I get back on my feet rather than reject me.

11. But despite all these, madali lan din akong mapasaya. I get excited over things like books, movies, anime, music, etc. Yung mga mumunting gesture lan like smiles, and hellos, and the likes is enough to make me happy. ☺

**Hindi pa ito yung buong ako. Marami pa akong gustong ipaintindi pero hindi ko na masabi. Pero If you've read everything, thank you. And I hope kahit paano, may naipamulat ako sayo.
***Be kind with your words, be kind with your actions. There are people out there who you may be talkin to today then gone the next. And you may be held responsible for it. Sana kahit konti lan, may naintindihan kayo tungkol sa mga kagaya ko.

And if you are like me, or [malapit nan maging gaya ko. Lol], it's okay to ask for help pag hindi na kaya. DO NOT RESORT TO SELF-INFLICTED HARM. Walang maidudulot na maganda yun. It will only give a temporary relief, but nothing more. Just talk to someone. Talk to anyone. If there is no one, then listen to music. Write. Draw. Watch movies. There are a lot of things that can distract you from your emotional pain. TALK TO ME.
I still believe life is beautiful. There are so many things to look forward to. Beautiful things. Don't give up.

Silent Sanctuary

It was indeed a night to remember.

As you go through life, years and years of it, you'll make a lot of memories. But only a few would stand out. Only a few would always stick with you. Those you will always cherish no matter how faded the picture, no matter how indistinct the sound. But the feeling of that certain memory, it will always be new to you. It will always feel like the first time.

The way you held my hand, the way you looked at me as you sing the lyrics to the songs like you meant every line, every step we walked that night, and all those silly conversations we had that never seemed to waste the hours spent... all those things I will never forget.

That night, I'd want it to happen again.