By this River

hmm.  a good song, a cold weather, a lonely heart and i'm ready to hit the keyboard once again..

hindi ko alam kung blessing ba o sumpa ang pagkakaroon ng blog.  dito ako napapadad pag medyo hindi ko na kayang itago lang ang nararamdaman ko. kumbaga, overwhelming na masyado ung pakiramdam.  malapit nang sumabog. puno na kumbaga ung container at hindi na kasya para sa mga susunod pang pakiramdam.

blessing, dahil nagagawa kong ilabas ang mga bagay na hindi ko kayang sarilinin ngunit hindi ko rin naman kayang ilahad sa iba. may nagsabi minsan, siguro kailangan ko ding magsalita, sabihin kung ano man ung mga pakiramdam na gusto kong ibahagi.. hindi ung puro tipa lang. hindi nga naman sumasagot ang keyboard, o ang pc sa mga katanungang gusto kong hanapan ng sagot. mas mainam pa ding sabihin sa ibang tao. sa isang estranghero, sa pamilya o sa paborito mong kaibigan. sa ganung paraan, hindi man masagot ng tama ang mga katanungan, kahit paano, nagawa mo namang ibahagi ang ilan sa mga pakiramdam. un bang, may sasama sau sa pagbuhat nan mabigat na pasanin, o ung kahit mapasaya mo man lang ang ibang tao dahil binahagian mo sila ng munting kasiyahan mo.

nagawa ko na un. ang magsalita. ang tanong: maganda ba? mas okay ba ang magsalita kaysa magsulat? at higit sa lahat... TOTOO BA? sigurado ka ba sa sarili mo na ung mga ibinabahagi mo eh totoo? o isa lang sa mga milyong-milyong pagpapanggap para masabi mo sa sarili mong kaya mo ding magsalita. naisip ko, oo. nakahanap ako ng mga taong maari kong pagsabihan ng lahat. ng kahit ano. at oo, totoo ako sa lahat ng mga sinasabi ko sa kanila. pero hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon, totoo ako... may mga bagay pa din akong hindi ko kayang sabihin. mga bagay na dito ko lang maibabahagi.  mga salitang sinasabi ko ngunit nag-iiba ang kahulugan pag isinulat ko na.. tulad ng simpleng "Oo, okay na ako. pwede mo na akong iwan, pwede ka nang matulog.." na ang talagang ibig sabihin ay "wag mo akong iwan. malungkot mag-isa.. dito ka lang.."

sumpa, dahil isa lang ang ibig sabihin pag naparito ako: nalulungkot ako. o tinatamaan ng seasonal depression. basta malungkot. kumbaga, ang pagdalaw dito ay parang pagdalaw sa isang burol ng isang kakilalang namatay na. na ang pagtipa sa bawat letra ay parang pag-iyak habang minamasdan ang taong nakahiga sa kabaong, na alam mong kahit kailan ay hindi mo na siya makikita pa, o mahahawakan, makakasama. at ang pagbuo ng konkreto at solidong kahulugan ng mga letra ay parang paghahatid ng taong yun sa huling hantungan niya. ilalagak ang damdamin anim na talampakan sa ilalim ng lupa, tatabunan at iiwan. umaasang kailanman ay hindi na magbabalik sa ala-alang un.

sa pagparito ko, na-realize ko, na-miss ko din pala ito. ang tagal ko din palang naging sinungaling. ang tagal ko din palang kinimkim lahat ng sama ng loob nitong mga nakaraang buwan. ang daming nangyari. ang daming umalis, madami ding dumating. pero higit sa lahat, madaming nanakit.

malapit nang magbagong-taon. sana kasabay nang pagpapalit nan bawat araw, ang pagbabago ng buhay. akala ko dati, maiaahon na din ako sa dilim na 'to. makukulayan ng gusto kong kulay ang buhay ko.pero sa huli, mukhang mas maganda pa din ang itim sa kahit anong kulay. kulayan mo man ng kahit ano ang buhay mo, sa bawat pagpapalit ng kulay.. sa huli, itim pa din ang magiging kalalabasan nito. itim pa din ang kasasadlakan mo. at kahit ano mang gawin mong baguhing mulit ito, hindi mo na magagawa.

NP: By this River




to be continued..

Blades of Survival. Repost from Facebook.

I'm relieved. for now. the anxieties and panic attacks had stopped for a while and i'm more than happy I could sleep peacefully now. without worrying If I would ever wake up halfway trough my sleep with a loud thud on my chest.

I don't know for how long this will keep on going, but I'm savoring every minute of it, for chances like this don't come usually as I wanted to. and I don't want to resort to some self-inflicted injuries just so I could relieve it. NO. even if it's the only option left for me to do. (i know there are still a lot of other options, but it's the only thing that helps a lot..)

I know one way or another I have to stop cutting. I can't be a cutter forever. and I certainly don't want to stop just because there's nothing left of my body to cut anymore. I have to have a lot of courage not to indulge to triggers no matter how triggering they seem to be. but then at the back of my mind, I know i couldn't give it up just yet. not at times like these. but i will give it up eventually. I know I will. I just don't know when.

this is a very inappropriate [place] to talk about something really private. something that you don't want others to know just so you wouldn't have to see their disgusted faces like you're some kind of a piece of shit. but i don't want to play pretend anymore. i don't want to let people know I'm some 'ms. goody-two-shoes' when inside I have a lot of scars to hide.

because the more I pretend, the more I get too close to people and when you get too close, you needed to be true to them. and just as when you have dropped that bomb that explodes a lot of secrets, they tend to leave. like as if they never knew you. like you never existed. and everything that had happened between the two of you, no matter how substantial it was, it wouldn't matter anymore. and that surely hurts like hell. it surely did hurt like hell and it certainly makes you cut a lot more. deeper and deeper..

it's better being true the first time. like right now. you could judge me now. I don't care what happens after. stay or leave, it doesn't make any difference: I have nasty cuts. that become nasty scars..

but they're the kind of cuts that help. they're the kind of scars that says I survived every nasty cut of life.

And I'm bleeding..
but then I'm living.
that's all that matters after all.

(I wouldn't have been like this if it weren't for the people who had caused a lot of trauma in me. but that's another story. and I'm saying, I still haven't got past through that part of my life. I'm still hurting. and I won't forgive it just easily as it have ruined me.. but someday I will. yea. you got it right. I'M BLAMING YOU. AND YOU. AND YOU. AND YOU...)

I made a hatelist. I SHOULD POST IT SOMETIME. *evil grin*

For now, I'm happy no more anxieties and panic attacks.

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain,
the only thing that's real.
-- Hurt, Nine Inch Nails

Scars are souvenirs you never lose.
-- Name, Goo Goo Dolls

I certainly didn’t tell anyone; I didn’t advertise that I was doing this, but I didn’t necessarily also make sure no one could see that I was injured. In fact, I felt proud of it; I felt good about it. It was like a battle scar: [it] proved [that I had been] grievously wounded and survived. When I hid my scars, I did so because I didn’t want anyone to think I was a basket case or a mental case and to look down on me or to pity me or to stop hanging out with me or leave me because they couldn’t handle me..
-- Helena, in Jane Wegscheider Hyman’s Women Living with Self-Injury

My wounds do the weeping
I cannot.
-- S. Marie