haler.

whew. another term has ended. but it still doesn't make any sense to me. the way life should be isn't what i expected it to be. i thought it was just okey. to be carefree. to not taking things seriously. to let just let it fall into places. to just let it be. but i was wrong. so wrong. i failed. again. it's hard to accept it. that once again i failed. hard. so hard. i can't pretend anymore that i can. that i am strong. i don't want to pretend anymore. this is me. a lost soul. searching for something i don't even know what. grasping every hand that come my way, only to let go.... blah blah blah... can't think of next. i don't wanna go home anymore. i don't belong home. waaaaa.

sa computer shop kasama si jhack :)

hmm.. i was going through some of my things before. memorabilia ba, hehe. and i just kinda miss me. nah, i miss myself. i mean ung totoong ako. pansin ko lang kasi, this isn't me at all. i'm a stranger to my own self. nkakalungkot. Oo, tama nakakalungkot nga ung halos hindi mo na kilala ang sarili mo. nakakalungkot isiping ang dating ikaw ay napag iwanan na ng panahon. hindi na nakasabay sa agos ng buhay. nakakalungkot isiping ni hindi mo man lang magawang ngumiti kahit sa mga simpleng bagay na dati naman nakakapagpangiti sa'yo. nakakalungkot isiping sa tuwing titingnan ka ay puro na lang kalungkutan ang masasalamin sa'yong mga mata. nakakalungkot hindi ba? pero ano pa nga ba ang magagawa? maibabalik pa ba ang dati? maibabalik mo pa ba ang dating ikaw? ah, ewan... maglolog out na ko. tapos na magnet si jack ei, alangan naman maiwan akoh dito di ba? saka gabing- gabi na... inaantok na rin ako. maaga pa ko bukas.night mga kaibigan!

ngekz

i'm such a jerk! i wish i could fade out in this world now... so, i won't have to feel what i'm feeling right now... i hate myself. i'm feeling lost! what would i do?!aaahhh! such an old nasty feeling!time flew so fast and i can't seem to ride with it...i am always left behind, feelin' so unsure of myself... i don't deserve any chances i have... i dont deserve anything and everything... i don't deserve anyone... damn me! shit.

save the tears

when the light of your life sighs
and love dies in your eyes
only then will i realize
what you mean to me.

take_me_away

a spider scratches my scattered face
i cannot longer look you in the eyes
i was blind
lies
scars
i must pay
please, just take me away...

yellow.

If you take someone's thoughts and feelings away, bit by bit, consistently, then they have nothing left except some gritty, gnawing, shitty little instinct down there, somewhere worming round the gut, but so far down, so hidden, it's impossible to be find. Imagine, if you will, a worldwide conspiracy to deny the existence of the color yellow. And whenever you saw yellow, they told you, no, that isn't yellow, what the fuck is yellow? Eventually whenever you saw yellow, you would say: that isn't yellow, course it isn't, blue or green or purple or... You'd say it, yes it is! it's yellow and become increasingly hysterical and then go quite berserk.

 

---- not mine.

minsan -- a fiction.

i was sobbing at the corner of that room. that room which had been a witness to my shattered dream. i cried so hard til there's no more tears left. i want to ease the pain im feeling...pain...physically and emotionally. i want to shout coz im angry, but only little sobs came out of my mouth. i feel like a helpless little child... because of that man... my brother... i looked at him with fiery eyes. anger has filled up my senses. but i can do nothing. my body aches. i am hurt... he was standing in the middle of the room, putting his clothes on..."what are doing just sitting there?! c'mon dress up! mom and dad will be home later. and why are you cryin' my little girl? did i hurt you?" he said with a chuckle...again, anger filled up my whole system...i am just fourteen...i cant do anything...i want to hit him hard but i cant. i knew i just cant. he walked near me. he squatted in front of me. he tried to touch me but i avoided his touch. he laughed... "why are you so afraid of me, my dear? you are so beautiful i cant resist to touch you." he whispered... tears again streamed down my face... "ssshhh...dont cry, girl...dont cry...dont worry next time, more pleasure i will give you..." he said with a laugh... "dont you ever tell what just happened to anyone...especially to mom and dad...or else..." then he walked out of the room laughing hard....i dont know what he's going to do with me if i tell what happened to anybody. i just dont know. all i know is that what he had just said was something i need to be scared of...

everyday i tried so hard to avoid him. whenever he's around, i trembled with fear. i became totally paranoid. i even thought i might go insane. i dont go out of my room whenever he's in the house for fear it might happen again...but thank God it never did...

a month had passed since that incident. and im back to normal again...one school day, i went home late only to find out that mom and dad had gone out for a one week out of town trip. fear rushed through my veins... my heart beats fast... "oh, my God...did he also went with them?" i asked myself..."hey sis, why so late huh?" that answered my question... "dinner's ready in a minute so you better go upstairs and change your clothes..." he walked near me, cupped my face then whispered... "i missed you..." shivers run down my spine as he said that. i hurriedly went upstairs and locked myself in my room. "hey little girl, open the door. it's time for dinner!" i heard him knocking at my door. i was so afraid i hid myself under my sheets. i didnt open the door even if i heard him banging it. i cried silently. then i heard the clinging of the keys...my body's shaking in fear... "oh, my God he's gonna open the door! oh God please help me..." "there you are, little girl...arent you feeling well that's why you're on your bed this early? you havent eaten your dinner yet..." "oh God help...please...help..." i silently prayed. my eyes are closed. then i felt the sheet wasnt covering me anymore. i felt his hand on my face. "why are you crying, baby? is something wrong? do you want me to tuck you in?" i didnt open my eyes for fear of what im gonna see. i felt him move away. still, i didnt open my eyes. still silently praying for help. then i felt him sit on my bed again. i felt his breath fanning my face. tears swelled up again. then i felt his lips touch mine. i felt his body covered mine. i panicked. i opened my eyes. i was stunned to see him already naked. i tried to scream but he covered my mouth with his hand. i tried to push him back but he's too big and heavy that i just cant...i cried helplessly as he ripped my school uniform...i cried again so hard...the same thing had happened. but i did nothing but cry...when he's done,he picked up his clothes then got out of my room without any word. i was left crying. my dreams were shattered...again...my life was broken. and i just dont know if i can still pick up the pieces...

that thing happened almost everyday while mom and dad were away...that thing happened repeatedly in one week....i didnt say a word. for the span of one week, i have learned to control my feelings...i have learned to let not a single teardrop fall...for i know...this will be over soon...and most of all, i learned how to seek revenge...

last day of mom and dad's trip. tomorrow they'll be home again... i just got home from school that day... before i went to my room, i dropped at the kitchen first. got something and hit it in my bag. then i went upstairs. i opened the door and was not surprised to see my brother on my bed. with just his briefs on. i put my bag on the bed-side table. he stood up and welcomed me with a mouth-mouth kiss. i closed my eyes and thought this would be over soon. he trailed kisses from my cheeks down to my neck. i just stood still. he took my clothes off. he laid me on my bed. i can feel his warm body through mine. i keep on telling myself this would be over soon...then i felt him inside me...i closed my eyes...and again after so many days, i cried...while enjoying his self with my body, i tried to reach my bag which is only on the side table. i carefully opened it searching for that thing i got from the kitchen. when i got it,  i raised it high and with trembling hands, i stabbed my brother on the back... "aaahhh!" "how do you feel that huh, brother?" i stabbed him once again...and again...and again...til he run out of life...i was again crying so hard as he lay lifeless on top of me. blood soaked his naked body as well as mine... i dropped the knife and shouted at the top of my lungs...i cried so hard... at last... it is over....//      

FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN

it might seem to strange to start a story with an ending. but all endings are also beginnings. we just dont know it at the time.
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heaven can be found in the most unlikely corners. and heaven itself has many steps.
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there are five people you meet in heaven. each of them was in your life for a reason. you may have not known the reason at the time, and that is what heaven is for. for understanding your life on earth. people think of heaven as a paradise garden, a place where they can float in clouds and laze in rivers and mountains. but scenery without solace is meaningless. this is the greatest gift God can give you: to understand what happened in your life. to have it explained. it is the peace you have been searching for.that's what heaven is, you get to make sense of your yesterdays.
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fairness do not govern life and death. if it did, no good person would ever die young. why people gather when others die? why people feel they should? it is because the human spirits knows, deep down that all lives intersects. that death doesnt just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed. one withers, another grows. birth and death are part of a whole. it is why we are drawn to babies...and to funerals..
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strangers are family you have yet come to know...
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no life is a waste. the only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone.
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in the middle of a big war, you go looking for a small idea to believe in. when you find one, you hold it the way a soldier holds his crucifix when he's praying in a foxhole.
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sacrifice is a part of life. it's supposed to be. it's not something to regret. it's something to aspire to.
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you have peace when you make it with yourself.
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holding anger is a poison. it eats you from inside. we think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person that harmed us. but hatred is a curved blade. and the harm we do, we do to ourselves.
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in order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.
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people say they 'find' love as if it were an object hidden by a rock. but love takes many forms, and it is never the same for any man and woman. what people find then is a certain love.
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love like rain can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. but sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive.
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lost love is still love. it takes a different form, that's all. you can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. but when those senses weaken, another heightens. memory. memory becomes your partner. you nurture it. you hold it. you dance  with it. life has to end. love doesn't.
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FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN
MITCH ALBOM...

memoirs of a geisha

Grief is a most peculiar thing; we're so helpless in the face of it. it's like a window that will simply open of its own accord. the room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. but it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it.
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Destiny isn't always like a party at the end of the evening. sometimes it's nothing more than struggling through life from day to day.
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Young girls hope all sorts of foolish things.Hopes are like hair ornaments. girls want to wear too many of them. when they become old women, they look silly wearing even one.
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Friendship is a precious thing. one mustn't throw it away.
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Adversity is like a strong wind. it holds us back from places we might otherwise go. it also tears away from us all but the things that can't be torn, so that afterward we see ourselves as we rily are and not merely as we might like to be.
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Sometimes we get through adversity only by imagining what the world might be like if our dreams should ever come true.
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heyo!i got all these words of wisdom from the book memoirs of a geisha...try to read it guys...its a great book, not to mention a very fascinating one...it's better than watching the movie itself =)
 

  

I found You.

"Now there's a wall between us, somethin' there's been lost, I took too much for granted, got my signals crossed; Just to think that it all began on a long-forgotten morn, "come in" he said, "ill give you shelter from the storm.."
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i got this one from one of the blogs somewhere here in friendster. his blog's name is the soup kitchen at the end of the universe.. he's from malaysia as i have learned.. la lang. hehehe. parang importante nman daw noh?

 

a memoir//

wen i saw the bundle he held in his hand, it looked so much like the shrouded moth.i knew i'd come upon the sign at last.i took the bundle and bowed low to thank him and tried to tell him how grateful i was---though im sure my words carried none of the fullness of my feelings. i wasn't thanking him for the coin, or even for the trouble he'd taken in stopping to help me.i was thanking him for...well, for something im not sure i can explain even now. for showing me that something besides cruelty could be found in the world, i suppose. i watched him walk away with sickness in my heart---though it was a pleasing kind of sickness, if such a thing exists. i mean to say that if you have experienced an evening more exciting than any in your life, you're sad to see it end; and yet you still feel gratefull that it happend. in that brief encounter with him, i had changed from a lost girl facing a lifetime of emptiness to a girl with purpose in her life. perhaps it seem odd that a casual meeting on the street could have brought about such change. but sometimes life is like that isn't it? and i really do think if you'd been there to see what i saw and feel what i felt, the same might have happened to you...

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bullshit!!

Dont run my sweet child,

If you dare to run,

The blood will run faster,

Dont cry my sweet child,

I'll be here for you..,