Sakit. Pighati.

I had a hard time at work today.

I was the only one doing all the work and it left me feeling frustrated, and crying.

On top of that, my stomach's been aching as well. I've gone to the toilet a few times already.

I feel frustrated, pissed, and very exhausted. 

And to have no one to share these is twice as frustrating. I just wanna be pampered sa mga ganitong pagkakataon.

Ako ang superhero mo

Nice, ain't it?
Someone who'd be there ready to care for you, if not save you.
Yung laging nakaantabay sayo.

241020 930

No, I am not okay.
Haven't been the past months.

I'm sorry.

Still broken

And at the end of the day, we're all just broken people with the every day delusion that we can be whole again.

...

The words good night and I miss you get heavier with each passing day.

1.21 P

I wish I could trade my life for anyone who so desperately wanted to live. Like people who are sick.

If only life has that option.

But then life doesn't really give you a lot of options. Sucks.

Iyak.

Magtatapos na nga lang ang taon pero puro iyak ako lately. Everything's utterly depressing. Every time I wake up in the middle of the night, alone, in my small unit, away from my family, all I could picture was myself hanging from the ceiling.

And all I could do was cry.
What am I still here for? :(

Wtf do you want me to do?

Hindi ko gets kung bakit.
I am working hard, probably even harder than most, I am doing my best, I am trying to change for the better, to learn how to stand up on my own two feet, to achieve more than what I think I can...
But nothing pays off.

Only disappointments.
And failures.

So paano? Ano nalang ang gagawin ko?

Should I just really freakin give this fucking life up? I am almost done with everything.

You don't give a shit, you don't try hard, of course nothing will happen
You give everything, you try hard pero wala pa ring nangyayari.

Samantalang yung iba wala pa silang ginagawa lahat nan blessings meron na agad sila.

Parang nakakaloko, nakakatanga, nakakagago puta.

I hate this, i hate me, i hate this life. Fuck everyone!

Random fucks about me

I love mismatched socks. 💕

But then the truth about it is I am just lazy looking for the ones that match. I don't know why they always seem to disappear so all I have are different pairs but no biggie. I love it x)

What is a life worth living?

It's been raining for almost a week now. I know it's tag-ulan na but we haven't had this much rain for a bit longer now. Ngayon lang ulit yung halos araw-araw na ngang umuulan, maghapon pa. Nonstop.

And with the weather and all, I've been feeling incredibly sad, and hopeless, and restless, and anxious. Everyday is just "same shit;different day."

I haven't been really living these past few weeks. It's been months even. I just go with whatever life has to offer for me. Which isn't that much to be honest.

I wake up, go over the same routine the rest of the day (chores, play games, watch movies or series, sleep, then repeat it the next day) It's probably ideal for some, but really, this isn't a life worth living.

I can't even do the things I needed to do. Can't get a passport, can't get a real job. These things require money and I ain't got that. I'm tired of so many debts and loans piling up. It doesn't lessen. It just grows and grows and grows. It's suffocating.

This isn't a life worth fucking living.

Dream Wedding 💕

If I'd be given the chance to have a beautiful wedding, I'd love it to be Vintage-themed.

Something out of the 40s through the 60s.
We'd dance to Frank Sinatra's Fly Me to the Moon or Nat King Cole's L. O. V. E.
We'd kick our heels to Elvis Presley's rock and roll songs.
Every picture and video of us would be in black and white.
And I may not be pretty but I hope to be as beautiful as Audrey Hepburn when the day comes.

It would be a wonderful occasion for singing and dancing. Everything would be merry. Such a wondrous occasion I also long to experience. Hehe.

Hopefully.💕

Be Your Own Person

Be your own person. Wag kang gaya-gaya. Ipakita mo kung ano ka talaga, and be proud of it. If you're weird, stay weird. Eccentric? Go ahead. Wala silang paki.

Kesa naman nakikigaya ka, dahil ano? Dahil yun ang sikat, dahil yun ang in. Para ano? Para sikat ka rin, para in ka rin.

Pa-cool pero hindi naman totally cool.
Alam mo kung bakit? Kasi wala kang distinct personality.

Wala man lang magdedefine sayo as ikaw mismo. Na kapag tinanong ng iba kung sino ka, sasabihin nila "sino yun? Di ko maalala." Paano ka nga maaalala kung otsenta porsyento ng papulasyon ng mundo ehh katulad mo?

Wala kang impact sa mga taong nakakasalamuha mo. Kasi kaparehas ka ng lahat. Walang personalidad. Sa madaling salita, B O R I N G ka.

At pagdating sa lablayp, pag gusto kang iwan, iiwan ka. I mean, bakit hindi di ba? Kung katulad ka rin lang naman ng iba. Ang dami niyo, nagkalat. Madali lang pumulot ng ipapalit sa'yo. Higit sa lahat, walang ala-alang magsasalba sa relasyon niyo. Eh pano, mediocre ng memories niyo ehh. Kayang kayang gawin ng iba, kayang kayang gawin sa iba. Pare-parehas lang naman kasi. Sunod sa uso, sunod sa yapak ng ibang tao.

Sabi nga ni Haruki Murakami (look him up kung di mo siya kilala,) "If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking."

Kaya be different. At wag kang mahiya.
Pero kung hindi ka talaga iba, ehh mag isip-isip ka na.

Half awake

Between sleep and wake, there is a vast emptiness.









































And there is you.

Hindi ang Kabataan ang Pag-asa ng Bayan

Sa panahon ngayon, kung sino pa ang matatanda, sila pa ang baluktot mag isip. Gone are the days when the elders only teach us about respect, humility, and becoming hard working. Remember nung mga panahon when our lolos and lolas would pinch us kapag nagsalita tayo sa hapag? Because they say it's a sign of disrespect. Nung mga panahong they would tell you na wag sasabat pag may kausap sila, and when you do, you get scolded. Nung mga panahong tinuturuan tayo kung paano magpakumbaba, "pag binato ka ng bato, batuhin mo ng tinapay." Remember? That seemed so long ago.

Dahil ang mga matatanda ngayon, aminin man natin o hindi, they no longer teach us those. Anong ginagawa nila? They argue in front of us over a little piece of land. They smoke and they drink and they gamble and they show tyranny. They condone the wrong doings of their children. They commit adultery in broad daylight. They are GREEDY, AND LUSTFUL, AND PROUD, AND ENVIOUS, AND LAZY, AND ANGRY.

So we, children, become those as well. Nagtataka kayo kung bakit maraming kabataan na sa murang edad kayang pumatay, magnakaw, mang-rape, mahilig makipag away, mayabang, atbp? Because they were misguided by elders, they've seen what the elders do. Kaya bago tayo magtaka, why not take the time to look at ourselves in the mirror. Ask ourselves what we have been doing for them children to turn out that way. Imbes na husgahan natin ang bawat isa, bakit hindi natin isipin na baka isa pala tayo sa mga dahilan kung bakit may mga gyera?

Things have changed big time, but we're making these changes WORSE. Maybe it's time we change for the better. Bring back the RESPECT, HUMILITY, and HARDWORK our great great great grandparents had been teaching us. Once we do, I guess the rest of the good things will come after.

Do not soil your children further. Hindi ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan. Kayong mga magulang ang maggagabay sa kanila, kayo ang pag-asa para sa mas magandang kinabukasan. Wag kayong masyadong umaasa sa mga sinabi ni Rizal. Patay na siya ano ba.

L. O. V. E.

When you fall in love with someone, you don't only fall for that person. You also fall in love with his eyes lovingly telling you the words that mouths couldn't speak, with his lips pressed unto yours, the sound of his voice that always feels like home, with his arms around you gently squeezing on your ribcage, with his beauty, with his soul.

But then again, you don't only fall in love with these things as well. You also fall in love with the places you both went to, the streets you walked on, with the movies you watched, the music you constantly listen to. You fall in love with every cafe, with every food, with every flowers he had given you. You fall in love with his family, with his home, every corner of his room.

You fall in love with his laughs and his frowns, with his strengths and his weaknesses, with all his flaws.

And when you fall in love with everything, you become a bit selfish. You'd wish you'd own them, him, his family, every places, every movie and music, you wish you'd both be the only ones who would own every memory you created. But that won't be possible. A lot of people would go to the places you both love, millions will listen and watch your favorite music and movies. And he; you only hold a piece of him. And he was a thousand pieces held by thousands of people he meets.

You could fall in love with one person and fall in love with everything about him at the same time but you could never own a single thing. So fall in love with your arms and palms wide open. For when it's time a little something have to be let go, it would soar freely into a place where it's supposed to be.

18.16.05

Nagkuwento siya. He told me na there was a time when he kind of woke up in the middle of the night. He looked at me sleeping by his side and had this passing thought na he didn't wanna go through life without me.

He, who rarely talk about his feelings, or anything na naiisip niya about me, would suddenly tell me such things, it gives off a warm feeling, and at the same time, it pains me. Dahil napakaselfish ko. Here's a guy saying life wouldn't be the same without me, and here I am, constantly contemplating how miserable and worthless my life is, constantly planning how I'd end it, constantly feeling suicidal.

I never thought my worthless existence would have a huge impact on someone else's life.

18.28.05

What did I ever do for you?
What did you ever do for me?

Buloy

"Akala ko pa naman na marunong kang magdala
Nalaman ko nalang na ika'y nagpakamatay na."
- Buloy, Parokya ni Edgar 1996

Wag kayong puro akala na porke strong siya di na niya kailangan ng kahit sino. Na porke siya ang sandalan mo, akala mo hindi na siya nabibigatan. Madalas selfish tayo. Pag nahihirapan, tatakbo sa kung sinong pwedeng malapitan pero pag okay ka na, yung tinakbuhan mo, natanong mo man lang ba kung kumusta?

So many "Buloys" out there. Check on them, too.

Happy Birthday, babe 🎂

Hi babe. Every day, lagi akong thankful na nandito ka. That you exist. Every day, lagi akong masaya to have met you. You being born is one of thw greatest things I will always be thankful for, and yung makilala ka lang, you as an amazing person, is already an added bonus.

It sucks to think na hindi kita makasama ngayong birthday mo. We won't be able to go out and celebrate like we used to, I won't be able to give you little notes or drawings, but it sucks even more thinking what if I hadn't met you; I won't be able to experience happiness in its real sense, I won't be able to want to become the best version of myself, I won't be able to overcome and face the things I have been putting off at the back of my mind, I won't be able to go places and enjoy the little things.

So baby, thank you. Simply for being alive. And I hope you enjoy this day kahit ano pa ang maging outcome. I hope you'll be able to do the things you've wanted to do for your birthday kahit hindi ako ang kasama mo. I hope you'll be happy. And higit sa lahat, I hope maging thankful ka rin na nandito ka ngayon sa mundo, living, and breathing. I love you always. 💕

12.25

No one really ever asks me if I am okay. Not even the people who claim they care for me.