the suicide experience

At this month 2 years ago, I've had my first suicide attempt. It was weird to have done it impulsively since I've been carefully planning how I'd would want to go. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing and at the back of my mind I was hoping and saying "eto na yun."

It was an awful experience. Yung sa ER palang, maririnig mo yung mga bulungang "naglaslas daw," sabay tawa. I was crying the whole time; papuntang hospital, habang tinatahi yung mga sugat, hanggang sa pag uwi, I was crying. Even the next day I've cried non stop. Pakiramdam ko kulang yung mahigit isang araw na pag iyak. I have never cried so hard until that day. And it felt like it was the very natural thing to do after you've just tried to take your own life.

I was on suicide watch for a few weeks. Even after I went back to work and things seemed to have gone back to normal, whenever I close the door to my room, my mom would always knock minutes after just to check if I was doing okay.

On the other hand, it may have done something good. My parents understood that what I was dealing with was not something "guni-guni," o "nasa utak lang." They were able to deal with my self-harming without the constant nagging and preaching na kulang daw ako sa dasal. For the first time I was able to share my pain with the people I am supposed to share it with. For the first time I wasn't scared to tell them how fucking depressed I have always been. I cried for me. They cried with me.

I haven't changed. Two years after and I am still the same suicidal, depressed fuck. I am still a freaking mess. But that is fine. My suicide ideations will never get the best of me. I no longer feel scared kasi alam kong my family will always be there for me. And also my friends, and my boyfriend who never fails to make me feel better. Kahit na madalas pakiramdam ko I do not deserve all these, that they're better off without me, I knew one day I'd be able to make myself feel and believe that I am very much loved by the people who see me for me, imperfections and all.

I'm still here, it's not much of me but I am still alive, FIGHTING, and; you'd definitely still see me tomorrow. xx

The glory of body washing

I had the shortest, sweetest bath ever. For three days I wasn't able to wash because of the flu (not that I am fond of bathing heh) but right now was amazing.

The warm water washing my nakedness and the dandruffs was just breathtaking. Literally breathtaking because I was actually exhausting myself even with the simplest movements. I wasn't all that well, yet after all. The whole 10-minute bath left me huffing and puffing.

I hoped it washed away the fever, too. Although I doubt that because now, I feel worse than I ever did the last three days. Ugh.

Psh

I listened to my boyfriend go on and on about the places he wanted to live in. Masaya kasi it just goes to show that he have good plans for himself. Nakakalungkot lang that he never mentioned me, not even once, kung kasali ba ako sa mga planong yun.

It's fine. Pero di lang maiwasang malungkot pa rin. Hehe.

Less hope 2

I feel worthless. Umaasa sa mga tao, sa pera nila. Pag di ka naman umasa sa kanila, wala ring mangyayari. I am so pathetic. Nakakaasar. I feel hopeless na. Di ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko. I'd rather die kesa paulit ulit umaasa na may mangyayaring matino sa buhay ko only to be disappointed ng paulit-ulit. Hays. Ayaw ko na lumaban. :(